Untitled.

So this blog is basically my diary. I write more in this than my actual, leather-bound, red journal sittingg at home, pages waved by the endless amounts of crushes, love stories, and teenage temper tantrums of my youth.

It's kinda sad, really. To think that I've taken more to the technological advancements of writing than good old fashioned, pen and paper sort of style. I actually prefer the second; I just don't feel it. And you gotta feel it in order for the magic to happen.


I've shared bits and pieces of my life story-of some struggles I've had. But I never really touched on the now. I feel like I personally want to write, or technically...type my frustrations out. It's not necessarily for attention or even to vent; it's a combination of both. I write this hoping that people who struggle with the same issues will find me so that maybe we can all help each other. I'd like to know that I'm not alone, to know that there are other similar yet entirely different struggles that each bring a different shed of light to the table.

I've struggled with body image since I was a little girl.

I can't exactly pinpoint the exact moment when I started combining hatred with my body and sight. I went to a counselor for some time who helped me unearth the deepest parts of my memories, and the reasoning behind the dark thoughts of my past. There was an event that led me to come home and look at my body differently than I ever had before. I can't remember exactly what happened, all I know is that I was teased.
Ever since moving from Hawaii to Washington, I literally hated school. I was never popular, nor necessarily the "geek", but I wasn't cool. I was never picked last for kickball, but I wasn't first. I wasn't noticed by boys, but I was noticed enough to let them thrive off my insecurities. I reeked of them. I was timid, shy, and didn't have comebacks. Don't get me wrong, I had friends to eat with at lunch and people to say hi and smile to while passing the halls, but it was all superficial.

Anyone ever remember the scene in Mean Girls where Lindsay Lohan's character eats lunch in the bathroom stall? I've done that once in high school. I just didn't have any friends. Nor did I have the confidence and self esteem to really, truly try. 

I finally confronted my issues of self loathing the summer after my freshman year at BYU-Hawaii. I had come home 20lbs heavier. In high school I weighed 150. I hated it then, but how I wish I could be there now...
I visited counselors and was put on depression pills. I remember the day I was diagnosed as depressed-I felt like I should've been thrown into an insane asylum. Because that's exactly what I had thought it was-crazy, uncontrollable anger, sadness, and just pure lunacy. But it's not like that at all. I quickly learned that more people were depressed and on medication than I realized.

Life is hard. And for those who lack religion, faith, or something of a higher power to hold on to, hope can be hard to come by. Why am I alive? Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? Where am I going?

Thankfully, I had the knowledge of the gospel. I knew Heavenly Father loved me, had and has a plan for me. It's still a tough thought to convince myself of, but the knowledge and testimony is there.
I have certain goals I want to reach in this life. Particularly, pertaining to fitness. Going through this journey has shown me who my true friends are, who the naysayers will be and who will have my back. I remember that after telling people how all I wanted was to be lean, to have tonage, a six pack, ripped delts, basically just MUSCLES- they quickly roll their eyes and laugh. "Why?" , their ridiculed voices would say. Sarcasm dripping from their tone, so quick to tear down my dream. I want to be the best version I can be. To be able to help people reach their own goals. I truly believe that when you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, you do good. And when you do good, everyone else wonders, catches on, and the entire process is repeated in a never ending cycle of kindness, self discovery and confidence, which adheres to happiness.

I don't want to be good, ok, or even reach 75% of my potential. Why not go all the way? I see people who look at themselves in the mirror, are not necessarily thrilled but satisfied. "It's ok to not go for that promotion. I'm fine where I am." "It's ok that I have love handles and a chubby waist. I'll never be able to wear a bikini, but that's just how I am." "It's ok to settle for my degree. I'll never have the time to get a higher one anyways."

WHY. Why must people settle? Why do we find ourselves accepting the mediocre? Why don't we go for the GREAT?

Fitness and weight loss/health is a touchy subject, because for one: people don't like being told the truth and two: to hear that it's possible to reach these goals is just preposterous, right? I mean, no one actually thinks that getting toned and slim is attainable? It's only for those _____ people.

My goals have been laughed at, mocked, and torn down by those who don't think I can do it. Why?

I had a trainer, my first trainer ever and the first woman besides my mother who believed in me tell me something I'll never forget. When I told her about the endless naysayers to my self-improvement cause, she told me "The only reason why anyone tells you that it's impossible is because they don't believe that they can do it themselves."

THAT'S why.

 So I'm on a journey to accomplish my life's biggest trial and reach a goal that I know if I can reach, I'll be able to do anything.
Anything. 

 Fast forwarding to now- man it's tough. I eat clean, do cardio a minimum of 3x a week, isolated strength training twice a week and crossfit three. I've been at this for months, and nothing has budged. Literally. I've seen my measurements, and done my bod pod. I've weighed myself (although I don't like scales, nor do I trust them) and nothing. I dont understand....if anything, I'm getting a little bigger. My clothes are tighter. Something just isn't right. I'll be off my medication in about a month, we've been weaning me off because for one, I've gotten emotionally better....it's time for me to turn around and face the music. And two, the pills we believe made me gain weight. Well, I'm literally at the last set of dosage. You would think with decreasing, my body fat would decrease.

I went to my natureopath last week and shes checking my hormones. Thyroid, cortisol...all the goods.

Something is just not right. The puzzle isn't completed. No matter what I do, it's not working....what else can I do? I have no idea where else to go, who else to see...my mom says to only concentrate on the things I can control. She's absolutely right; it's just hard.

I'm really trying. But man, this. Is. HARD. Lately it's been really getting to me...because it's been years of hard work and no results. Literally, nothing.

Just focus on the positive without giving up at the same time.


Wish me luck. 'til better days.