Still Falling

Tonight I feel peace. Peace that all will be well. In every single aspect in my life.

I've really struggled more than normal these past couple weeks. Satan just really sucks. But OBVZZZ. Lawlz.

But in seriousness, I had the opportunity to enter the temple my third time in my life yesterday. I went in frustrated. Upset. Angry at everyone at everything. It's not recommended that you enter the temple under such terms at all, but I knew that I needed to go. I could feel how closed my mind was to everything. To every spiritual beam that was trying to pierce into my very being, but I wouldn't let it. I was so sad. So hopeless. I felt like How dare he (he being God) leave me all alone to deal with this, with no tools for my mind to fight this. Because it is my mind. My mind that has controlled for so long. I was, and still am, just tired. 

So tired. 

Too tired to fight back the battles life has faced me with that purposely enter to make me stronger; but here I was, succumbing.

My mother, bless her heart- told me that I had to help her out. I had to help myself. I had to fight this. To the death, she said.

I wonder sometimes why we hang on to the negative. I know there are positive people in life, guaranteed millions of them exist. But I honestly think that the negativity in our minds triumphs over the positive for most of us. What is it about sadness that is so...

alluring?

I realized a long time ago that I'm afraid to let the sadness go. I feel that's its all I have. I don't have many friends. I'm behind in school, and wasn't doing too great. I had no idea where to go in life, who was to come in it. I can point out so many negative things-but that just proves my point;

Why?

So I'm going to make more of an effort to help myself. To literally lift these exhausted muscles and move. Keep moving. Allow my brain to absorb more sunlight than darkness. Because I can't...I can't live like this anymore. You can't help those who don't want to be helped.

Well, I want to be helped. Truly helped.
I need to remember my goals but also remember there are other aspects of life to concentrate on. I can do this. Today I went to CrossFit and did a really, really hard Hero WOD. It was hard! And I did it! I felt good all day today until It was time to dress in real clothes (NOT exercise clothes) and go to my younger brother's Football game. I struggled. This shirt made my arms thick, this didn't hide my rolls, this one squeezed my hips, so on so forth. Dressing up has always been a struggle for me, because when it comes to my appearance, I've never really ever, truly loved the human being looking back at me from the mirror. 

But I will. One day, sooner than later, and it's coming. I can't wait.

There is something so poetic about struggles. There's virtue in shared difficulties. I think that's one of the greatest aspects of humanity. Even though we feel alone, we never are really alone in this world (all religion aside). Because we ALL struggle. Not one is the same in degree or likeness...I love it.
I find sadness at times, poetic. Besides the Mumford and Sons' ways with their words of heartbreak, theres beauty in trials. I may not necessarily see mine at the moment, because I'm still fresh from the lecture that actually helped this weekend from my mother, but I'm trying. I trying to understand how there's beauty in such pain all at the same time.

I know my thoughts are all over the place. It's ok thought because this is for me, not really anyone else.

I really think that I will be ok. That I'll be able to breathe easy one day and not hyperventilate at my reflection. I will reach my goals. No one can say otherwise; it's not in my nature to do so. But I will do so in balance.

I hope to see things in a more positive light. I look forward to the day I can smile and really, deeply, truly and sincerely mean it. To wake up to sunrises even on the dreary days.

Sometimes I don't know where my Heavenly Father is. Well, I think it's about time I went to go find him, don't you?

I'm still falling...but not for long.