Something happened. Something pretty great and not so great mixed into one of those big, life learning lessons that we get once in a while (or in my case, more often than once a while).
In order to guess, you have to read the previous post to know who I am referring to.
Because I dated S.
Yep. I did. I fought for S. I told S "hey, you're cute and pretty great. Let's make this happen".
Well, not exactly in those words, OBVZZ, but similar enough. And guess what? S said yes. To me.
This gorgeous, blonde, blue eyed hunk said yes. He ended it with his previous girl and decided to give me a try. I can't tell you how psyched I was. I mean, I had butterflies, weak ankles-all the goods. Basically this is how it went down:
Me and my roommate played soccer with S and his roomies.
S flirts with me tons. I love it. But then I remember:
S has a woman. This is not right.
So I straight up say " Hey S. Cut it out. You're messing with my feelings".
S heeded the warning. We all go back to his apartment and laugh, make smoothies, and watch Community. WIN.
Time for me and roomie to go. So S walks me out to his car to get some athletic tape for my Lacrosse stick.
We have a conversation. I tell him I like him a lot. He says he does to. But he thinks he should take it slow. Because S normally goes fast. I agree. We hug. And I walk home a little taller that night.
For the next couple weeks, we date. We hug, we hold hands, we laugh, we flirt. S is sweet. S is darling.
S is mine.
We exchange cute little forehead/cheek kisses. I can't help but smile. Even in my sleep. All is well. We are taking it slow. He is patient, understanding. He's mine.
Then, the storm hits. One day, when I hadn't heard from him all day, I wondered why. S comes over. We talk. Deep talks are fun. Deep talks are great. S asks me what I look for, and what I feel like when I like someone.
"Well S," I say. "My heart thumps. I smile. I get butterflies. I get crazy. I get happy. I like them a lot."
S says he's never felt that. EVER. And it shocks me. I secretly hope I do that for him. But then he tells me he doesn't really feel that with me.
SLAP.
I try not to worry. But S says he doesn't know if he likes me, or the thought of me.
Where have I heard this before? Oh yeah, from ME. Karma is a beez.
So we go home with worried hearts. At least mine is.
The next morning, I look at my phone. There's no "good morning beautiful". I walk around and see all the couples, laced fingers and sweet kisses. My hands feel empty, my forehead is cold. Where's my S?
Finally, I hear from S. S still doesn't know if he likes me. I ask him if he wants to be with me, kiss me, find me attractive, like spending time with me. Because if he does, I think he likes me. He says he does.
S comes over. We talk on my couch like we always do. But something seems off. S likes me. But he doesn't know if he is capable of being crazy about anyone. His heart is numb.
So is mine. Because, I really like S. I always have, since I met him. I want S. But it's clear: S doesn't want want me as much as I want him.
Once we come to that realization, the pain sinks in. The silence rings in my ears. It's over. S doesn't want me. All the pain from previous relationships explodes into one, big, nuclear bomb.
Where had I gone wrong? I always thought of myself as a decent person. Someone who was likable.
But not to S. He says I did nothing wrong. But that's what they all have said. And with a sorry, my tears, and a hug goodbye, S is gone.
I pondered about this for some time. What have I done? Why do they always end it with me? What am I doing wrong? I am not perfect. But I know that if I had done something to deserve being the dumpee every time, I would catch it by now. I cried enough tears over my situation. Not just with S, but with every J, T, SM, and now S that has come and gone through my life. What have I done? J didn't like my religion. T said he wanted to concentrate on other things, only to get another girl soon after. SM woke up one day and didn't want me. In fact, he didn't want anyone. He got all anti-love. And S...well, S isn't "capable", or "worthy" of these feelings, as he puts them.
So where did I go wrong?
What is wrong with me?
I thought about this a lot. And I've come to this conclusion:
nothing.
I gave these boys love. I let them know I cared. I fought for them. And in the end, It didn't matter. Although I walked away with more scars than they ever could feel, I needed the experience. Heavenly Father has a bigger plan for me. I don't know what it is, nor do I claim to understand it. But I know he knows my heart. He knows how pure and sincere my love is. I am so ready to love. I'm done of just loving; it's my turn to be loved.
I know that everything will be ok. Although these boys probably never gave or give a damn about me, I know that I did give a damn about them. I always will. But they didn't deserve my love.
One day, a man-not a boy, but a true gentleman- will come into my life and sweep me off my feet. He'll randomly stop me and pull me close to him to dance with him. He will tell me that I am beautiful when I don't expect it. He'll be the first to text me and say "Wow, Natalie. I had such a great time. You're the best." He'll be the one who makes the plans. He'll watch the stars with me. He'll appreciate my love for batman. He'll toss me around when we kiss because he's crazy about me.
He's gonna love me.
Not less than the amount I love him. But just as much.
So S...I'm sorry it didn't work out. You got some stuff to work on. You set the bar pretty high. But you know what? I deserve better. I wish you the best.
So life lesson learned here? Don't settle for less, ladies. He will come. And when he does, you will know.
But until then, Imma jam to Beyonce's "Single Ladies" and enjoy every moment until he comes. They always come when you least expect it. And I can't wait.
"It's wonderful to fall, let's love and risk it all, I'd rather love just a little too much".
Preach it, Miss Bedingfield.
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