Situation one: Boy S. I met Boy S here at school. I wasn't looking for anyone in particular. But then BAM! This hottie shows up and I just thought "Ohhh boy, am I in trouble." I mean C'mon ladies. Blue eyes? Wrestler? Daaaaayyum. He makes me laugh. Gets my sense of humor. Could talk forever with me. Acted like he wanted to be with me. Took control...I was a little smitten. We go on a date, and all is well. But then I get scared. I hadn't been with anyone for 3 years. And none of them have gone that well. We all get stupid when we get scared. So I kinda tried to steer clear of him for a week, trying to pull my thoughts together. Poor guy; always wanted to hang, but I tried to keep busy so I didn't have to make up an excuse. Well, I decided to talk to him face to face, and tell him what's on my mind. Boy S comes over, sits on my couch looking cute as ever. I tell him I'm not sure if I'm feeling it, and he responds with a casual ok, no problem. I was shocked at his coolness. He then tells me that he's not planning on waiting around, which I understood. But if I change my mind, then to let him know and he'll come at me full force. What happens when Boy S leaves? I WANT HIM.
WTF.
So I decide to think about it and not jump into things. The next day, we have a church activity where we go four-wheeling. Boy S and me ride on one together. My arms were wrapped tightly around him, and I could almost feel how much chemistry and feelings were there. I knew there was something there, even after all my poppy cock talk. After one week of not being able to get him off my mind, I decide to go for it. I tell him that I want to give it a shot, and that I'd like to get to know him better. But guess what. Boy S has already got another girl. One who's blonde, beautiful and already been kissed by him. All within a week. It's been about a month since they've been together. Maybe less, maybe more. But I see those baby blue eyes and Tay Swift's "Teardrops on my Guitar" runs through my head. Have I made the biggest mistake ever? I don't know. But it could have been good, guys. Really good. Darn those blondes. They always win.
Situation two: Boy C. Boy C came after Boy S. He was a savior to my "mini" heartbreak, and was someone I didn't expect at all to like as much as I did. My friend, technically "ex-boyfriend" as well, texts me out of nowhere and asks me to sit with him at a school activity because he has a friend he wants to set me up with. I never got to meet him, because I skipped the activity (naps almost always win). But I wasn't up to it; when a guy doesn't want you back, it can take a toll on your ego. I was sick of all these "pity" dates that I had been going on, and I didn't want to go on another. But then T (my friend) told me who it was, and I remembered; I had met him previously during the beginning of the semester, and thought he was cute, but thought nothing of it, because I was not interested in him at the time. I went home and did what I do best- facebook creep. And boy, for good reason. Boy C was BOMB. Tall, muscular, brown hair, great smile-he was perfect. So T had us all hang out, which resulted with a nonstop-laughing car ride home with Boy C, asking me out on a date. CA-CHING. I was on cloud nine. So our date comes along, and what is the first thing Boy C says to me? "You look very pretty!". I then and there wanted to kiss the guy. No guy had ever commented on how pretty I looked on a date. And trust me guys, we appreciate it. We go on the date. Boy C is chivalrous, funny, sweet, and awkwardly adorable. We laughed every minute, he could dish it AND take it, and he made me giddy. When it was time to say goodnight, Boy C asks me on another date. I nearly jumped outta my skin when I said "Yes!" a little too happily. I could hardly wait until date 2!
One thing I had to understand was that Boy C was not a texter. He barely texted, which was something I was not used to, but didn't mind. I just wanted to see him more. So when date two rolls around, he tells me that he has a friend coming into town, and if we could do the date earlier. I agreed without hesitation; I was just too excited. We laughed and joked just like date one. One thing I noticed was that Boy C can't take a hint. I tell him he's cute, he says "I know" in a jokingly cocky way (*insert eyebrow raise here*). I tell him of all the things outdoorsy that I'd like to do (he does ALL of them). What does he say? "You should do it, it's fun!". Well no duh...I want to do it with you! But he doesn't get it. So when were about to head home, he brings up a future plan concerning me and him. So I get blunt. I ask him if that means he wants to go out again, because he hasn't asked me. He looks at me awkwardly and says he thought he already did. (Uh, no?). So he drops me off home, hugs me, and drives off. And that was that. I didn't get any "I had fun!" text like he did the first date. No reassurance. Nothing. I decide to not read into too much and ask him to hang a couple days later. Boy is busy. So I say next time.
There is no next time.
Boy never texts. Never calls. Nada. It's clear; Boy C isn't interested. And I still don;t know why....I thought we had hit it off. But no, all I ever see from him is facebook pictures of him looking as handsome as ever in fishing gear with a million girls liking the photo and him soaking it all in like a happy camper. What did I do?
Sigh.
Situation three: Boy CJ. Ohhh, Boy CJ. He's a special one. Because this boy is a childhood friend. He's someone I've known for the majority of my life, and have loved for years. But we never had the timing right. I hated him. He hated me. I liked him. He didn't like me. He liked me, and I didn't like him. We liked eachother, but he never admitted it until he didn't anymore. I love him, but he don't love me. He loves me, but I don't love him. I love him, and he gets angry. You following? It was always a complicated one. A relationship based off friendship, and grew from day one. But Boy CJ is gone, and won't be home for another 3 months. You see, he's been on a mission for our church. And he loves every minute of it. I love Boy CJ. But as some would understand, it get's lonely. I was secretly waiting for him, even after he asked me to, and then asked me not to. I just couldn't see myself with anyone else but him. He has qualities I didn't know I wanted that I now do; He's gorgeous, goofy and funny, headstrong, sweet. Is he romantic? I don't know. Would he think I was beautiful if I had no makeup on? I'm not sure (he's seen me without it). Would he randomly tell me he loves me as I would, just because? Who knows. Is it worth it to find out? I've been waiting for 21 months. In the past 21 months, I didn't kiss anyone, or go out with anyone but my choice. When I got to school, I decided that I'd take his advice and date people to see what qualities I like and didn't like. That's where Boy S and C came in. But if Boy CJ came back and asked me to marry him right now, I'd say yes without missing a beat. So with that said, I wrote to Boy CJ. I told Boy CJ I loved him. And I wanted to be with him when he came back. He wrote back, saying he couldn't reciprocate those feelings yet. And although he was heartfelt and sincere when he said he'd want to take me on a date like he said in the past, it still kind of stung. Only because I'm used to putting myself out there so much and so hard, to no avail.
I've never dumped anyone. Ever. I've had 3 boyfriends, and have said "I love you" 4 times. You may judge and think I'm crazy. But before you do, realize this: there is no set standard for love in the world. What you consider and I consider to be love are very different. And the way I see it, my heart is so full. I am so ready to love someone with all my entire being, to give them everything. To show them my heart. But no one has ever given me the chance. Yes, I'm young. I'm only 21. But I've never gotten anything but rejection. I've never made it to 4 months in a relationship. I like to think I'm a pretty laid back girl who just....loves. But my patience is running thin, and my understanding of all this is a struggle. Boy S? I miss him. Boy C? I wish he would have given me a chance. And Boy CJ? I wish he loved me. Yes, my emotions are all over the place, and you may call that immature. But I am so ready to love and be loved. I could give them so much.
Maybe, one day, I'll find someone who will finally feel the same amount of like/love for me as I do for them. Maybe one day, I'll find someone who will just tell me they love me just because. Someone who will make me stop what I'm doing for just a minute to dance with me.
Someone who loves me.
Someday....One day.
Thanks for letting me vent, darlings. I wish you all the best of love.
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