Happy Birthday, CJ

Today is CJ's birthday. 

If you guys actually have read this thing, then you know exactly who I'm talking about.
CJ was my last love. The childhood friend who I always loved and never got the timing right with. So while he was on a mission, I decided to prove to him just how much I cared by constantly writing him, sending packages-the whole "actions speak louder than words". At first it went great. He seemed very much into the idea of him and me, but in a manner that made it clear he was concentrating on the mission. I fell SO in love. I was going to marry this boy. Our love story was so unique, so perfect. I just knew.

Then he came home.

 Night and Day, I tell ya. He seemed to avoid me at all costs. And when we did finally meet up, it was clear that he was no longer mine. And I began to wonder if he was even mine to claim. So the time came to buck up, be a man, and tell him I didn't want anything out of this friendship romantically.

You should have seen the relief on his face-it was almost embarrassing.
Since then many tears have been shed, wondering the big question of WHY? Why didn't it work out? It seemed like a fairytale romance constructed purely out of God's majestic hands. And yet, as I would stare out at the stars, I sensed that they knew. They knew that this time was coming. A time foretold by lovesick individuals all over the world, that every human being must face at least once in their lifetime; heartbreak.
I thought I had it this time. I thought he was my forever love, when in actuality he was never really mine to claim. CJ and I had never been on any official dates. He had talked about taking me on so many fun ones when he came home. But those dates never came. And will never come. And you know what?

That's ok.

I've grown so much from this experience. I know now he never will be the one for me. That God has a much greater plan in store for me. And that plan includes a guy who will actually LOVE me, maybe more if not as much as I love him, If I'm lucky! I just know there's someone out there who dreams of love and sharing that gift as much as I do. If it had worked out with CJ, I wouldn't have put in my papers to go on a mission. I am SO excited. I just spoke to my bishop the other day, and he said he plans on turning them in May 15th. Why so late I'll never know, but I'm trying hard to look at the positive things in my life. It's closer than I realize.
I know with CJ it would've been difficult to try to explain to him what is going on with my health. I sent him a letter once explaining what was going on with me, and he wrote back saying he understood and had no idea. But it was made known to me that he actually didn't understand and was a little put off by it. So how great is it that while all this is happening to me, I'm able to take care of it and nip it in the butt? I definitely see this as a blessing. I want to be the best possible version of me, and this health trial came at the most perfect time in my life. At my most vulnerable self, only to build me up stronger. Because that's what trials do-make you stronger. :)

How grateful I am for my life and all the mishaps and the beautiful moments that make each day more worth it than the last. I love life!

CJ will text me once a blue moon, or call me on my birthday (he did that weeks ago and I was SO thrown off, I didn't know how to react), and it takes me to a whole different mental setting. My heart pounds hard when I see his name on my phone, or that he liked a photo/status on fb (cheesy, I know.) But I can't wait for the day when that will only be a memory, nothing more.

The future is bright, lads and gals. So bright.

Speaking of brightness, this is the song best describing this post's mood. Enjoy:)


For CJ. Because if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far.