Thursday Thoughts

 

And last, but not least....HIM. 

Damn. That is one BEAUTIFUL man. I love you Jake Abel.

Happy Birthday, CJ

Today is CJ's birthday. 

If you guys actually have read this thing, then you know exactly who I'm talking about.
CJ was my last love. The childhood friend who I always loved and never got the timing right with. So while he was on a mission, I decided to prove to him just how much I cared by constantly writing him, sending packages-the whole "actions speak louder than words". At first it went great. He seemed very much into the idea of him and me, but in a manner that made it clear he was concentrating on the mission. I fell SO in love. I was going to marry this boy. Our love story was so unique, so perfect. I just knew.

Then he came home.

 Night and Day, I tell ya. He seemed to avoid me at all costs. And when we did finally meet up, it was clear that he was no longer mine. And I began to wonder if he was even mine to claim. So the time came to buck up, be a man, and tell him I didn't want anything out of this friendship romantically.

You should have seen the relief on his face-it was almost embarrassing.
Since then many tears have been shed, wondering the big question of WHY? Why didn't it work out? It seemed like a fairytale romance constructed purely out of God's majestic hands. And yet, as I would stare out at the stars, I sensed that they knew. They knew that this time was coming. A time foretold by lovesick individuals all over the world, that every human being must face at least once in their lifetime; heartbreak.
I thought I had it this time. I thought he was my forever love, when in actuality he was never really mine to claim. CJ and I had never been on any official dates. He had talked about taking me on so many fun ones when he came home. But those dates never came. And will never come. And you know what?

That's ok.

I've grown so much from this experience. I know now he never will be the one for me. That God has a much greater plan in store for me. And that plan includes a guy who will actually LOVE me, maybe more if not as much as I love him, If I'm lucky! I just know there's someone out there who dreams of love and sharing that gift as much as I do. If it had worked out with CJ, I wouldn't have put in my papers to go on a mission. I am SO excited. I just spoke to my bishop the other day, and he said he plans on turning them in May 15th. Why so late I'll never know, but I'm trying hard to look at the positive things in my life. It's closer than I realize.
I know with CJ it would've been difficult to try to explain to him what is going on with my health. I sent him a letter once explaining what was going on with me, and he wrote back saying he understood and had no idea. But it was made known to me that he actually didn't understand and was a little put off by it. So how great is it that while all this is happening to me, I'm able to take care of it and nip it in the butt? I definitely see this as a blessing. I want to be the best possible version of me, and this health trial came at the most perfect time in my life. At my most vulnerable self, only to build me up stronger. Because that's what trials do-make you stronger. :)

How grateful I am for my life and all the mishaps and the beautiful moments that make each day more worth it than the last. I love life!

CJ will text me once a blue moon, or call me on my birthday (he did that weeks ago and I was SO thrown off, I didn't know how to react), and it takes me to a whole different mental setting. My heart pounds hard when I see his name on my phone, or that he liked a photo/status on fb (cheesy, I know.) But I can't wait for the day when that will only be a memory, nothing more.

The future is bright, lads and gals. So bright.

Speaking of brightness, this is the song best describing this post's mood. Enjoy:)


For CJ. Because if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far.

Late Night Musings

First and foremost, my prayers are with Boston. I know that in times like these, when the world seems to have fallen into a darken state, a wonderful thing happens; love. I am astounded at how many people were shocked to see helping hands bandage the cuts, push the wheel chairs, and mourn for those that wept. Hope is not lost. In fact, it has just begun. 


I want to paint. Real bad. Seriously. Like, REAL bad. I want to grab water colors and go all Pocahontas on a white sheet of paper and get all sunset-y and crap. Is that too much to ask for? Oh wait. There's the creativity part...bah.


I'm nervous for tomorrow. I meet with my "trainer". The reason that word is in parenthesis is because she doesn't train movements with me. That's what Crossfit is for :) She merely measures body fat percentage, goes over my food journal and creates eating plans for me. If I hadn't been weak, nauseous, dizzy and a little unmotivated by it all, then there would be no reason to be nervous. But I am. And its scurrrrry.


The episode where Wallace and Gromit visit the moon because they run out of cheese? Well, it looks delicious.
That clay cheese, that is. Nom nom nom.

I just want to go on my mission already. I mean, I'm already getting pretty ahead of myself in the fashion preparation department. Thrifted skirts galore!


Rebel Wilson is not that funny to me. I mean, I love her in Pitch Perfect. But LEZBIHONEST; does she really think she can crack fat jokes forever? There's something about an overweight comedian basing jokes off their weight that I find sad. Just downright cringe worthy. Their insecurities? Shines all bright like a diamond.
Yes, I did make a Rihanna refrence. *GAG*But I couldn't help it.


I want a baby. A blonde baby, to be exact. I want those baby blues, that porcelain skin, and that summer gold coming out of this womb of mine baby. I blame my niece; shes a babe.

SEE!?!?! Ahhh. Be still my heart. 

So I was creeping on a specific blog today, and this girl began to talk about her husband and their love story. She wrote about how he would send her movie music lyrics, excerpts from books, postcards and love letters while she was on the mission. It got me thinking; is there really someone out there who thinks like me? Who sees the stars and wonders at the vast glory our Father in Heaven has surrounded us with? Who looks at a sunset and sigh with love for the colors? Walk alone in the woods and think of all the romantic settings that could possibly take place there? Read Thoreau and immediately have a desire to frolic amongst dandelions?

To hear a love song and think about just that; love, and all the beauty it entails.

Haha, I know, I'm a crazy romantic. Its true. But there's something about all the little, dainty things in life that have the biggest impact on me. A single flower among weeds, the way the ocean hits the sand, a simple kiss on the forehead.

*Siiiiiiigh*

I wonder if I'll ever find the right one. I think that may be one of the biggest fears I have - not necessarily wondering if I'll find someone. Because there's someone out there for everyone. But it I'll find the right one. The one who will dance with me in the kitchen. Who will enjoy when I surprise him at work with lunch. Who will take adventures with me. Take my hand and kiss it. Whisper sweet nothings in my ear at the most unexpected, maybe "inappropriate" times...hehehe.


I'm excited for the future. For once, not chasing a boy. Haha, I have a history of those. After all, my first kiss was forced (I made him kiss me-meaning I grabbed his face and chased him around demanding he liked me).


oh, and I LOVE BATMAN.


Welp. Bedtime it is! Time for the nightly animal video, shall we? Enjoy :) Sweet dreams and happy thoughts!

                                                             Wiggle wiggle wiggle, Bella!

back

It's been a while. A WHILE while. When I first started this blog, I only jumped on it so I could be cool like everyone else who was starting one. Because indie-ness has just started to bite everyone and blogging became part of that world. A world I was desperate to join. Well I think I honestly started thinking too much about it. Thinking too much about impressing others, when this blog should be about me. It's a little piece of my life typed up with the best intentions with the hopes that if others do happen to read it, that they can just do that-and move on. So here's to the upteenth million do-over that I've forced upon this poor little bloggy.

 Should we start? Let's start :)

Hi! I'm Natalie. I'm a nature loving, health nut cooking, occasionally tv addicted, avid thrifter, and day dreaming gal who loves life and everything in it...except butter and mayonnaise. Those two can go.
I always have the hardest time talking about myself. You see, I listen to people more than I talk, so forgive me if these random facts about me aren't numerous/fascinating. I consider this part to take some creativity.

I watch cute animal videos before bed every night so I can go to sleep in a good mood. It always works!

I one day will go to Iceland and find TreeBeard's long lost wife. Or maybe and Elf or two. I sure wouldn't mind that :)

I think words are so beautiful. I love reading poems and trying to interpret the literary meaning behind it, or even just try to apply it to my own life. I love words.

I hate Family Guy, American Pie, or any other crude movie like those two. That kind of humor like Ted, etc., just doesn't do it for me. Someone could say vagina and I may burst into snickers. Human genitalia kind of does that to me. But start talking nasty and Ill cut you with my glare. It's a mexican thing.

Oh, which brings me to this one: I'm a delicious mix of Hawaiian and Mexican! But lets be honest; with this skin, it CAN'T be pure half Hawaiian, right? Truth is...I am a quarter Hawaiian and the rest is a mix of French and a tiny, tiny pinch of Japanese. It took me a while to understand why my eyes would disappear when I smiled....

I decided that I will adopt a dog with special needs one day. I love animals. Not cats. They're useless. I want

to give that love to an animal as if it was my own child. I want to nurture! I must nurture. Must. NURTURE.

I was diagnosed with Candida in Spring of 2010, and has changed my life forever. If you don't know what Candida exactly is, I encourage you to know more about it here. I just didn't know, just like many out there don't. And I can only hope that we become more educated about it. I could go on and on...but maybe another time :)

I LOVE love. Love it. I am a hopeless romantic; a daydreamer, a poet at heart. I was born with an aesthetic brain that allows me to appreciate art, nature, and beauty in the most unlikely places. Love songs speak to me. Trees whisper their music in my ears while the wind blows by. I thrive on the sound of morning wind chimes, and think that God is the greatest artist of all. I love it.

I'm Mormon. I love it. Always have, always will. That's all there is to it.

Lets do a quick briefing of life:Born in Hawaii. Move to Washington when I was 8. Moved into new house. Hated middle school. Hated High school. Went to BYU-Hawaii. Came home. Got sick. Like, really sick. Finally found doctor who saved my life. Decided to become a personal trainer and that fitness was her passion, all while being sick. We'll cover that later. Transfer to BYU-Idaho. Love it. A lot. Come home. Was all like "yo, I wanna go on a mission". Papers are in. Taking care of health while waiting. And BOOM I'm here.

Life is a mystery. I know that's an insanely cliched, but...I can see why. I never expected my life to be this way. I never expected to turn this path even though every fiber in my being fought for the other path. I've wondered over again and again...why. Why didn't I belong at BYU-Hawaii? Why did we even have to move? Why didn't my missionary want me when he came home? Why am I sick? Why do things have to be hard? Any Debbie Downer might say that life just sucks. And then we die!

But I refuse to believe that. Maybe we have a purpose. Maybe we are here to do something good with our lives. That through all the dirt, hate and sadness, we emerge from the dust and become who we are truly meant to be by how we react to certain life situations. I never thought that Id be having the side affects from the meds Im taking, or the exhaustion, or even the mental struggles I've faced. I never expected it. But I can honestly say that it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm evolving into ME. I'm becoming me. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I'm really starting to like the person I'm becoming. Everyday I'm closer than I was yesterday.


Yeah....that was kinda relieving. Kinda nice to just let things out. Talk about myself for once.That's definitely something I may never get used to.

Off to bed. Dream a little dream for me why don'tchya?

    

                                                           This song....always makes me dream.