To my best friend

There are literally no words for what I want to say to you. My best friend. My angel. My savior to every trouble that comes my way. My role model.

My mother.

Can I say I love you? Of course I can. But that wouldn't be nearly enough. Because honestly, nothing in this life would be good enough for you. You are so much more than this life; you gave me life.
What can I say to you to let you know how much I care? I'm at a loss for words. Even actions don't seem to do any justice.
Do you know how much my heart aches for you? How every decision I make is first and foremost, a decision that I hope you approve of? Because if it isn't, then what good is it? You're my everything. You're the sunshine that chases every bad breakup, every bad test score, and every mean girl's comment away. You make me see who I really am, who I can be, and who I am meant to be. You make me want to scream on every mountain top how blessed I am that you chose daddy, gave me brothers, and that we are a family.

We're a family. A forever family. 

Forever. Because you chose that. You never settled for less than that. Do you realize what that means to me, mama?
We're gonna be together forever! A gift I can't repay you in this life, but only the next.
Remember those nights where our emotions were numb, and our tear stained faces echoed eachother's feelings without having to say a word? Remember when you said you wish you could carry my pain, and that you could help?
Oh mama. Don't you know? Don't you know that I took every word in? That every word you said lifted me higher? I know during the tough times, when you felt helpless to my pain, you cursed yourself, wishing you could say something good enough.

Oh mama. Don't you know?

Don't you know that every word is tattooed on my heart? 

When we were kids, we wanted to be astronauts, princesses, and policeman.
We wanted to own the world, and have it bow down to our glory.
I found that as I got older, my dreams of being a veterinarian changed to a firewoman, forensic scientist, a nurse, and a personal trainer.
But the truth is mama, all I wanna be is just like you.
I can only dream of having a daughter who trusts and looks up to me as much as I look up to you.

You bled, struggled, cried, prayed, laughed and yearned for me. You have given me life. There is no greater gift than the gift of family.

The gift of you. 

There is not a more beautiful woman in the world than you, mama. I love you for everything you stand for. Forever and always.

"Do you love me? Yes I do! Do you love me? I know it's true! All through day and night!"

"Hacerin, haceran, los banderos de san juan!"

"Baby eyes, and baby nose. Baby feet, and baby toes, you are my baby, baby baby."

 They never get old. And never will. When we get to heaven and make our own worlds, lets build our houses on neighboring planets where we can sing, dance the cha cha like you always did, PR our crossfit workouts and conquer the world. 

I have never been more proud of you than I am now. I love you. So, so much. 

So here's my ode; to the most beautiful woman I have ever known, the woman who has saved my life in every way possible; here's to you. 

Happy Mother's Day, Mama.  

RCF

 This is what it's all about. This is home.One day, I'll be as cool as them.
 Check it out, you won't regret it.

 Rainier Crossfit

I'd rather love just a little too much

Guess what guys?
Something happened. Something pretty great and not so great mixed into one of those big, life learning lessons that we get once in a while (or in my case, more often than once a while).
In order to guess, you have to read the previous post to know who I am referring to.
Because I dated S.
Yep. I did. I fought for S. I told S "hey, you're cute and pretty great. Let's make this happen".
Well, not exactly in those words, OBVZZ, but similar enough. And guess what? S said yes. To me.
This gorgeous, blonde, blue eyed hunk said yes. He ended it with his previous girl and decided to give me a try. I can't tell you how psyched I was. I mean, I had butterflies, weak ankles-all the goods. Basically this is how it went down:
Me and my roommate played soccer with S and his roomies.
S flirts with me tons. I love it. But then I remember:
S has a woman. This is not right.
So I straight up say " Hey S. Cut it out. You're messing with my feelings".
S heeded the warning. We all go back to his apartment and laugh, make smoothies, and watch Community. WIN.
Time for me and roomie to go. So S walks me out to his car to get some athletic tape for my Lacrosse stick.
We have a conversation. I tell him I like him a lot. He says he does to. But he thinks he should take it slow. Because S normally goes fast. I agree. We hug. And I walk home a little taller that night.
For the next couple weeks, we date. We hug, we hold hands, we laugh, we flirt. S is sweet. S is darling.
S is mine.
We exchange cute little forehead/cheek kisses. I can't help but smile. Even in my sleep. All is well. We are taking it slow. He is patient, understanding. He's mine.
Then, the storm hits. One day, when I hadn't heard from him all day, I wondered why. S comes over. We talk. Deep talks are fun. Deep talks are great. S asks me what I look for, and what I feel like when I like someone.
"Well S," I say. "My heart thumps. I smile. I get butterflies. I get crazy. I get happy. I like them a lot."
S says he's never felt that. EVER. And it shocks me. I secretly hope I do that for him. But then he tells me he doesn't really feel that with me.
SLAP.
I try not to worry. But S says he doesn't know if he likes me, or the thought of me.
Where have I heard this before? Oh yeah, from ME. Karma is a beez.
So we go home with worried hearts. At least mine is.
The next morning, I look at my phone. There's no "good morning beautiful". I walk around and see all the couples, laced fingers and sweet kisses. My hands feel empty, my forehead is cold. Where's my S?
Finally, I hear from S. S still doesn't know if he likes me. I ask him if he wants to be with me, kiss me, find me attractive, like spending time with me. Because if he does, I think he likes me. He says he does.
S comes over. We talk on my couch like we always do. But something seems off. S likes me. But he doesn't know if he is capable of being crazy about anyone. His heart is numb.
So is mine. Because, I really like S. I always have, since I  met him. I want S. But it's clear: S doesn't want want me as much as I want him.
Once we come to that realization, the pain sinks in. The silence rings in my ears. It's over. S doesn't want me. All the pain from previous relationships explodes into one, big, nuclear bomb.
Where had I gone wrong? I always thought of myself as a decent person. Someone who was likable.
But not to S. He says I did nothing wrong. But that's what they all have said. And with a sorry, my tears, and a hug goodbye, S is gone.

I pondered about this for some time. What have I done? Why do they always end it with me? What am I doing wrong? I am not perfect. But I know that if I had done something to deserve being the dumpee every time, I would catch it by now. I cried enough tears over my situation. Not just with S, but with every J, T, SM, and now S that has come and gone through my life. What have I done? J didn't like my religion. T said he wanted to concentrate on other things, only to get another girl soon after. SM woke up one day and didn't want me. In fact, he didn't want anyone. He got all anti-love. And S...well, S isn't "capable", or "worthy" of these feelings, as he puts them.
So where did I go wrong?
What is wrong with me?
I thought about this a lot. And I've come to this conclusion:
nothing.
I gave these boys love. I let them know I cared. I fought for them. And in the end, It didn't matter. Although I walked away with more scars than they ever could feel, I needed the experience. Heavenly Father has a bigger plan for me. I don't know what it is, nor do I claim to understand it. But I know he knows my heart. He knows how pure and sincere my love is. I am so ready to love. I'm done of just loving; it's my turn to be loved.
I know that everything will be ok. Although these boys probably never gave or give a damn about me, I know that I did give a damn about them. I always will. But they didn't deserve my love.
One day, a man-not a boy, but a true gentleman- will come into my life and sweep me off my feet. He'll randomly stop me and pull me close to him to dance with him. He will tell me that I am beautiful when I don't expect it. He'll be the first to text me and say "Wow, Natalie. I had such a great time. You're the best." He'll be the one who makes the plans. He'll watch the stars with me. He'll appreciate my love for batman. He'll toss me around when we kiss because he's crazy about me.
He's gonna love me.
Not less than the amount I love him. But just as much.
So S...I'm sorry it didn't work out. You got some stuff to work on. You set the bar pretty high. But you know what? I deserve better. I wish you the best.

So life lesson learned here? Don't settle for less, ladies. He will come. And when he does, you will know.
But until then, Imma jam to Beyonce's "Single Ladies" and enjoy every moment until he comes. They always come when you least expect it. And I can't wait.

 "It's wonderful to fall, let's love and risk it all, I'd rather love just a little too much".

 

Preach it, Miss Bedingfield.