Sick

Guys. I'm lovesick. Like, REALLY lovesick. I don't know what's going on. Sure, I've always been a hopeless romantic. But lately, it's hit me. HARD. To the point where I literally glare at couples. Jealousy? Absolutely. I've never been this concerned about it until now, and it's honestly all about my "love" situation (or the nonexistent one, to be politically correct). Lets talk about Boy S, C, and CJ.

Situation one: Boy S. I met Boy S here at school. I wasn't looking for anyone in particular. But then BAM! This hottie shows up and I just thought "Ohhh boy, am I in trouble." I mean C'mon ladies. Blue eyes? Wrestler? Daaaaayyum. He makes me laugh. Gets my sense of humor. Could talk forever with me. Acted like he wanted to be with me. Took control...I was a little smitten. We go on a date, and all is well. But then I get scared. I hadn't been with anyone for 3 years. And none of them have gone that well. We all get stupid when we get scared. So I kinda tried to steer clear of him for a week, trying to pull my thoughts together. Poor guy; always wanted to hang, but I tried to keep busy so I didn't have to make up an excuse. Well, I decided to talk to him face to face, and tell him what's on my mind. Boy S comes over, sits on my couch looking cute as ever. I tell him I'm not sure if I'm feeling it, and he responds with a casual ok, no problem. I was shocked at his coolness. He then tells me that he's not planning on waiting around, which I understood. But if I change my mind, then to let him know and he'll come at me full force. What happens when Boy S leaves? I WANT HIM.

 WTF.

So I decide to think about it and not jump into things. The next day, we have a church activity where we go four-wheeling. Boy S and me ride on one together. My arms were wrapped tightly around him, and I could almost feel how much chemistry and feelings were there. I knew there was something there, even after all my poppy cock talk. After one week of not being able to get him off my mind, I decide to go for it. I tell him that I want to give it a shot, and that I'd like to get to know him better. But guess what. Boy S has already got another girl. One who's blonde, beautiful and already been kissed by him. All within a week. It's been about a month since they've been together. Maybe less, maybe more. But I see those baby blue eyes and Tay Swift's "Teardrops on my Guitar" runs through my head. Have I made the biggest mistake ever? I don't know. But it could have been good, guys. Really good. Darn those blondes. They always win.

Situation two: Boy C. Boy C came after Boy S. He was a savior to my "mini" heartbreak, and was someone I didn't expect at all to like as much as I did. My friend, technically "ex-boyfriend" as well, texts me out of nowhere and asks me to sit with him at a school activity because he has a friend he wants to set me up with. I never got to meet him, because I skipped the activity (naps almost always win). But I wasn't up to it; when a guy doesn't want you back, it can take a toll on your ego. I was sick of all these "pity" dates that I had been going on, and I didn't want to go on another. But then T (my friend) told me who it was, and I remembered; I had met him previously during the beginning of the semester, and thought he was cute, but thought nothing of it, because I was not interested in him at the time. I went home and did what I do best- facebook creep. And boy, for good reason. Boy C was BOMB. Tall, muscular, brown hair, great smile-he was perfect. So T had us all hang out, which resulted with a nonstop-laughing car ride home with Boy C, asking me out on a date. CA-CHING. I was on cloud nine. So our date comes along, and what is the first thing Boy C says to me? "You look very pretty!". I then and there wanted to kiss the guy. No guy had ever commented on how pretty I looked on a date. And trust me guys, we appreciate it. We go on the date. Boy C is chivalrous, funny, sweet, and awkwardly adorable. We laughed every minute, he could dish it AND take it, and he made me giddy. When it was time to say goodnight, Boy C asks me on another date. I nearly jumped outta my skin when I said "Yes!" a little too happily. I could hardly wait until date 2! 

One thing I had to understand was that Boy C was not a texter. He barely texted, which was something I was not used to, but didn't mind. I just wanted to see him more. So when date two rolls around, he tells me that he has a friend coming into town, and if we could do the date earlier. I agreed without hesitation; I was just too excited. We laughed and joked just like date one. One thing I noticed was that Boy C can't take a hint. I tell him he's cute, he says "I know" in a jokingly cocky way (*insert eyebrow raise here*). I tell him of all the things outdoorsy that I'd like to do (he does ALL of them). What does he say? "You should do it, it's fun!". Well no duh...I want to do it with you! But he doesn't get it. So when were about to head home, he brings up a future plan concerning me and him. So I get blunt. I ask him if that means he wants to go out again, because he hasn't asked me. He looks at me awkwardly and says he thought he already did. (Uh, no?). So he drops me off home, hugs me, and drives off. And that was that. I didn't get any "I had fun!" text like he did the first date. No reassurance. Nothing. I decide to not read into too much and ask him to hang a couple days later. Boy is busy. So I say next time. 

There is no next time.

Boy never texts. Never calls. Nada. It's clear; Boy C isn't interested. And I still don;t know why....I thought we had hit it off. But no, all I ever see from him is facebook pictures of him looking as handsome as ever in fishing gear with a million girls liking the photo and him soaking it all in like a happy camper. What did I do?

Sigh.

Situation three: Boy CJ. Ohhh, Boy CJ. He's a special one. Because this boy is a childhood friend. He's someone I've known for the majority of my life, and have loved for years. But we never had the timing right. I hated him. He hated me. I liked him. He didn't like me. He liked me, and I didn't like him. We liked eachother, but he never admitted it until he didn't anymore. I love him, but he don't love me. He loves me, but I don't love him. I love him, and he gets angry. You following? It was always a complicated one. A relationship based off friendship, and grew from day one. But Boy CJ is gone, and won't be home for another 3 months. You see, he's been on a mission for our church. And he loves every minute of it. I love Boy CJ. But as some would understand, it get's lonely. I was secretly waiting for him, even after he asked me to, and then asked me not to. I just couldn't see myself with anyone else but him. He has qualities I didn't know I wanted that I now do; He's gorgeous, goofy and funny, headstrong, sweet. Is he romantic? I don't know. Would he think I was beautiful if I had no makeup on? I'm not sure (he's seen me without it). Would he randomly tell me he loves me as I would, just because? Who knows. Is it worth it to find out? I've been waiting for 21 months. In the past 21 months, I didn't kiss anyone, or go out with anyone but my choice. When I got to school, I decided that I'd take his advice and date people to see what qualities I like and didn't like. That's where Boy S and C came in. But if Boy CJ came back and asked me to marry him right now, I'd say yes without missing a beat. So with that said, I wrote to Boy CJ. I told Boy CJ I loved him. And I wanted to be with him when he came back. He wrote back, saying he couldn't reciprocate those feelings yet. And although he was heartfelt and sincere when he said he'd want to take me on a date like he said in the past, it still kind of stung. Only because I'm used to putting myself out there so much and so hard, to no avail. 

I've never dumped anyone. Ever. I've had 3 boyfriends, and have said "I love you" 4 times. You may judge and think I'm crazy. But before you do, realize this: there is no set standard for love in the world. What you consider and I consider to be love are very different. And the way I see it, my heart is so full. I am so ready to love someone with all my entire being, to give them everything. To show them my heart. But no one has ever given me the chance. Yes, I'm young. I'm only 21. But I've never gotten anything but rejection. I've never made it to 4 months in a relationship. I like to think I'm a pretty laid back girl who just....loves. But my patience is running thin, and my understanding of all this is a struggle. Boy S? I miss him. Boy C? I wish he would have given me a chance. And Boy CJ? I wish he loved me. Yes, my emotions are all over the place, and you may call that immature. But I am so ready to love and be loved. I could give them so much. 

Maybe, one day, I'll find someone who will finally feel the same amount of like/love for me as I do for them. Maybe one day, I'll find someone who will just tell me they love me just because. Someone who will make me stop what I'm doing for just a minute to dance with me. 

Someone who loves me.

Someday....One day.

Thanks for letting me vent, darlings. I wish you all the best of love.

Thursday Thoughts

Happy Thursday :]

Late night inspirations.

Guys, I have a problem. I'm a night owl. It's not good. Every night, I write in my planner  "GO TO BED EARLY!" thinking that well, if it's written in pen, then it MUST come true!

It's not true. fail fail fail.

GahhhkjhskjfdhJDHJKSA. But I'll admit it, I like staying up late sometimes. Because as my roommates snore the night away (srsly, you HAVE to hear this girl....video coming soon.), I like to think. Reflect. Breathe. Sometimes, they're happy thoughts, full of gratitude and love. But sometimes, they're regretful. Negative. Just...wrong.

But, we're human. We make mistakes. We learn. And we live. 

So tonight, the magic word on my mind is goals.

Everyone has them. EVERYONE. Every person you have ever seen in your entire life has a goal. If they deny it, they lie, and you should probably throw some sort of water on them for the FIRE ALL OVER THEIR PANTS.

The best thing about New Year's Eve, BESIDES having a lover to share that special slobber and saliva exchange with (I'm jk, kissing is awesome haaa) is the brand new, fresh start everyone gets. It's a wonderful thing to start new. But then, being human comes in, and the inevitable truth is this:  

we are not perfect.

 For the year 2012, the #1 New Year's resolution to Lost weight. Surprise, surprise. 

Only 8% of Americans actually reach their goals. 

Guys...Only 8%. 8!!!! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

 I'll admit, I hardly, maybe NEVER was in that 8%. But whats holding us back?

Fitness is not magic. Weight loss is not immediate. And goals? They take time.

When I was a kid, I basically quit ever sport I played. Why? Well for one thing, I did not progress skill wise much. 

BECAUSE I DIDN'T PRACTICE. DuR DUR durDURDURUDUR.

Goals are what drives us to be better people. Goals are so important, because it gives us something to look forward to. 

Has anyone every talked down a goal of yours? Don't ever listen to them. Ever. Because if they have, chances are they only do it because they don't think they could do it themselves. My personal trainer told me that, and honestly guys, that statement changed my life. 

Don't ever give up. Anything is possible. I am fortunate enough to have a mother who always, ALWAYS told me to never give up. Anything I wanted to accomplish was achievable. 

That six pack I've always wanted? I'm gonna get it

That Pull-up? Most definitely.

That Man pushup? That Handstand pushup? Yes.

To reach my fitness goals? Absolutely. 

Why? Because I CAN, and I WILL. That's why. If it wasn't possible, then no one would be able to do it. But I've seen it. And I want it. And hell, I am going to get it.

Pick a goal, and work on it. Baby steps, take your time, but don't stop. Because slow and steady wins the race. Don't sprint into a goal; it's a delicate thing. It takes planning, dedication, and courage. 

Guys, don't be the 8%. I beg of you. I am doing this with you. Because I will NEVER give up on my dream to reach my fitness goals. I have never reached them, all my life I've wanted them, and I am gonna get them.

My background is Crossfit. On their blog, they had the following words:

A collection of words from past CrossFit Lisbeth posts:

You can beat me. But not defeat me.

So, it’s time to stop playing “Little Suzie was a good girl and gets a treat” and start playing “Little Suzie wants 20 f***ing pull-ups.”

Adjust your own attitude. Weave your own hope. Life will get better when you get better.

Do what tightens your throat and drops your heart into your stomach: it’s the only way to find out what you’ve really got.

Throw yourself right on the damn line again, pain and scars and all.

Because once you truly experience the power of the barbell, you can’t ever go back.

CrossFit is a drug, like they say. If I was cut off from it, I really don’t know what I would do. At this point, I am willing to throw rocks through car windows and steal spare change in order to feed my habit. I am an addict. Ragged calluses are my track marks.

What are you afraid of? Just admit it . . . and free yourself. No one gives your fears any power but you.

For an hour a day, you get to take all of society’s polite expectations and old baggage and haunts of years gone by and throw that sh** in the corner.

So, yell at your barbell if you need to. Glare at it, scowl at it, get good and mad at it. Drop it, manhandle it, call it bad names.

Be brave. Choose better. And change. Even if your life is seriously f***ed, you will have to save yourself.

You already know in your heart what you are and who you are. What you might not know is what you could truly become.

Let's do this guys. Lets love our bodies. Let's treat it right. 

Exhale the can't and inhale the can.

Set some effin goals.  

Now let's see if I can get a good night's sleep....

 

 

When she was just a girl...

Dearest friends, it has been too long! My apologies for the absence! But then again, I only do have about 6 followers, so my absence in the blogging world wouldn't be as much of a crisis as it would be for the talented Sydney at The Daybook (how cute is she!? I might cry if she ever got rid of her blog....jk. But seriously.)

But it's ok. Because life has taken a huge turn in my life, and I'm so excited to see what happens next. All my life, I was never exceptional at anything, really. Dancing, sports, art-I never found my passion. Something I could call mine. I'm not talking about no boyfriend, 'cause that's an entirely non-existant story. I'm talking about the one thing that I look forward to everyday, the thing I crave, the thing I can't live without; and that, my lovelies, is exercise.

So let's have a conversation.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl, who loved life. She loved everything about it; Hawaii, the sun, her family, friend-just everything. Life was grand. Life was great. She didn't know anything else, and she didn't care to know anything else.
Not too many years later, little girl had to move. Washington wasn't Hawaii; rain wasn't the sun, and gray skies weren't clear, sunny blue ones. But with a family like hers, it was alright. She had a brand new house with a big, green backyard. Washington would have to do.
Little girl was teased at school for being different. She wasn't blond, stick thin, or fair-skinned like the other girls. Little girl was the opposite. Little girl was outnumbered. And when the teasing started, little girl's happiness began to die a little bit, every day inside.
Little girl began to get older. She was not so little anymore, but was just a girl. Girl began to not like what she saw in the mirror. Girl thought she was fat. Girl thought she was ugly. Girl hated her brown eyes, and wished for blue ones. Nothing she saw was good enough.
But girl read magazines. She saw the models on the covers, stick thin in all their perfection. Girl needed that. Girl began to diet.
Mother didn't know girl was dieting, or counting calories. In fact, no one knew. Because girl was determined to become skinny. Skinny was beautiful. Girl wanted to be beautiful. So girl counted the calories of her cocoa puffs, tried to run a mile but barely could, and traded her fruit roll-ups for ritz. Nothing changed. Girl didn't understand.
Girl was only 10 years old.
Soon, girl became older, and was no longer just a girl, but became a young woman. She tried out for sports, and made it to the teams. Young woman never played at the basketball games, but atleast she got to wear the jersey. Young woman still wanted to be beautiful. And beautiful, was being skinny. Young woman heard of anorexia, bulimia, and as tempting as it was, she just loved food too much. And she hated that she did.
Young woman began to run, and tried reading some of her mother's dieting books. But nothing ever changed-she was not skinny. The nightly routine of tearstained cheeks never dried off.
Young woman reached highschool. She joined a gym that was fun, it was hard, and it was intense called Crossfit. She loved it. And she knew this could help her. But young woman had to stop, because the money stopped coming. And young woman was once again alone.
Young woman became 18. She was a woman. BYU-Hawaii was her new home now, and she embraced it with open arms.
College was hard. Woman had trials; boys, lack of friends, homework, mean teachers...but most of all, her skinny dream was always there. Food was a comfort, and Woman gained 20-25 lbs. Woman never knew why; she jogged, she ate granola instead of doughnuts at the cafeteria, and biked to subway about twice a week. What was she doing wrong?
Coming home overweight was hard for woman. She felt lost, alone, and afraid. Her dreams were never coming true, she was sure of it. After 15 years of fighting, the monster had finally won. And in defeat, woman ate.
Mother loved woman. And Mother didn't know much, but she knew she would do anything for her daughter. Woman went on the HCG diet 4 times. It worked for a while, but the weight never stayed away. No matter how hard she worked, it failed. She went from website to website, diet to diet, and she finally said enough. Woman was convinced she could never find a way out. But mother knew otherwise.
Mother took her daughter to a personal trainer, a counselor, and a natureopathic doctor, where she discovered she had Candida. The depression, the bloatedness, the irregular bowel movements, the extreme fatigue; none of the 5 doctors seen could tell her why this was happening. If it wasn't for mother, woman would have given up. Natureopathic doctor found out the problem, and with diet, exercise, and medicine, The candida was slowly going away. Personal trainer helped Woman exercise right, tone up her body with the time they had, and taught her how to eat right. She told her how important fiber was, and how to eat clean. Counselor helped Woman love who she was as a person. Woman had help. Woman was healing.

It's no secret that that little girl, who became a girl, to a young woman, and to the woman she is today, is me. Life has been a struggle. I've had my ups and downs. I know what its like to look in the mirror and despise what you see. I know what it feels like to feel so low that you think you can never come back up. But it's not true. It is simply not true.
Through patience and long-suffering, I learned the right way to treat your body. I learned how to exercise right. I learned that ritz and fruit roll-ups are not diet-friendly foods, that skinny is not healthy, toned is beautiful, but most of all, I learned how to love myself.
I blog to you today because I want to help others. I want to turn the tears to smiles, the doubts to strengths. I want you to know that everything is possible.
Exercise has changed my life. I've seen what it does, and I know what it can do. It does so much for you, and so many people don't realize it! It makes you confident, attractive, healthy, strong, energized, happy, smarter-it makes you the best you can be in every way possible. It is the ultimate cure. And I want you to know that. I've learned so much in school, through my experiences in life, and talking to professionals, just how important being healthy is. Exercise is key. Eating right is key. Strong is beautiful. And anyting is possible.

So cheer up, buttercup. Life won't always be sunshine and fruity pebbles, or the perfect shade of pink.
But the way I see it, if you want the rainbow...you gotta put up with the rain.

So, with that being said, stay tuned. I'll be back. But for now, I'm gonna go out, and keep doing those

things I never thought I could do.

New.

Life has changed for me, guys. Life is new. Life is great. And life has meaning. I've learned so much in the past year, and along the way I found my passion.
Fitness.
My blog still has a list. But now, it's got a twist. (haaaa, that rhymed).
Stay tuned. Some changes are coming your way.  

Alas, the List.

I did it guys. I finished my list. Writing it out, that is. When I first started this blog, I only had about 5 things on my mind. But today, I took the time to actually come up with stuff that I am determined to cross off one by one in my life. It may take years to do some. It may take a day. But I'm so excited! I've got sixty things to take care of. Impossible? I think not! Granted, I won't tell you everything just yet; there's some personal stuff. And we're just starting to get to know each other. What kind of girl do you think I am?! ;] Alright, time to stop dragging this on. Here's a "sneak peek":

1.) Make a blog (check!) 

3.) Run a marathon.

8.) Learn a different language.

11.) Write a book.

13.) Go paragliding.

15.) Go on a mission.

18.) Volunteer for a humanitarian cause.

24.) Read 3 literary classics.

28.) Learn to do a back flip.

30.) See Coldplay/Shakira/Adele in concert

31.) Grow a garden.

35.) Try vegetarianism for a month.

40.) Learn sign language.

43.) Learn to dive (so sad! haha)

47.) Learn to knit/crochet.

51.) Learn to drive stick.

53.) Be featured in Shape/Fitness Magazine.

56.) Adopt a pet.

57.) Visit a planetarium.

60.) Milk a cow.

There ya have it. A few items from the list. My list. And I have to say, I'm pretty dang proud of it! Life is about living, smiling, being happy and enjoying every moment we got! That's why I adore bucket lists. Once written down, you got no excuses. It must be done. Everyone should have one, don't you think? *nod your head*.  Now, can we just all bask in the epic-ness of this handshake? Me and my bros have been doing it for weeks. And it's not going anywhere.

"You could be the ugliest sad sack on the planet, but if you're in a rockin' band you're the cat's pajamas, the bee's knees!"  

Wisest words ever spoken.

Overcoming my back flip

Oh Haiii! Hello there pretties. It is I, the one who failed/biffed it while attempting to do a back flip today (it's on the list.) Ok, I only tried three times with my bro holding my legs...but it was the longest 3x of my life! But no worries, Im not giving up that easy, or evening giving up at all for the matter. Ahhh, I'm babbling. You see, the real reason I came on here was to get something off my chest that truly frustrates me;

                                 Why do people accept the lesser version of themselves?

Why? Why do those extra thirty pounds have to be "you"?: "Oh, I guess that's just the way God made me." NO.Why does the 2nd string player make the bench a regular outing instead of striving to be a starter?: "I guess coach knows best, I'm meant to watch." NO. Why does the student think that they can't fulfill their dream career because they have no money?: "Oh, I think it's a sign that I'm not supposed to study that. Maybe I'll do something not as costly/hard." NO. NO NO NO NO NO! Why would anyone think that God wouldn't want them to be the best they can be? Why couldn't you do what you want to do? I know life can be a struggle. We've all been there. We all have trials; no one can escape them. But we can overcome them. And for me, its upsetting to see someone settle for less. Regardless of the issue. School, weight, love, social life-whatever it is, it can be done. Remember how Disney movies, and all those kid shows at such a young age would talk about the cliche' "anything is possible", "if you put your mind to it, you can do anything!" phrases? So. True! 

    I've got a ton of goals that I've worked on, some I accomplished, and some I haven't. But one in particular I've been thinking about since I was a little kid, and that's body image. Its a tough world out there for a girl. The body seems to be the only important thing contributing to self worth. And while that is not true, there is truth to the phrase "when you look good, you feel good." I have been consistent with attempting to reach my goal since the beginning of the year. I've endured endless comments of "why do you even bother?", "you're fine!", and "there's nothing wrong with you!" As grateful as I am to have people see me in a positive light, they just don't know. They cant see what I see, and what I see is more accurate than them. I've sweat, I've cried, I've collapsed-I've worked my tail off. To see that's it's already August with no significant difference, it's frustrating. Being the religious person I am, I first thought "Maybe this is how Heavenly Father wants me to be. Maybe I just need to accept myself that way." But that is not true. How could my Savior deny a righteous desire of mine, especially when I do my part in every aspect? How could he not help me? It was made very clear to me that accepting this is just not acceptable for me. 

   I accept who I am as a person, but know that I can, and will reach my goal. Why? Because I have done everything in my power to reach it, and will continue to do so. And My Lord won't abandon me. It's not in his nature, or he would cease to be God. So what's the point of this ramble? I want people who struggle with the same concept to remember to NEVER GIVE UP. Ever. Life is not about being sad. It's about being the best we can be. If you don't like something that can be changed, then change it! Don't sit around and mope about how that's just the way it's supposed to be-because its not. I will one day do a pull up, achieve the perfect push up, and even run in a sports bra. Why? Because I'm never giving up. Ever. 

    Because you know what they say...."Do your best, and let God do the rest." 

               Well, I'm off guys. I got a back flip to conquer:]