Happy Birthday, CJ

Today is CJ's birthday. 

If you guys actually have read this thing, then you know exactly who I'm talking about.
CJ was my last love. The childhood friend who I always loved and never got the timing right with. So while he was on a mission, I decided to prove to him just how much I cared by constantly writing him, sending packages-the whole "actions speak louder than words". At first it went great. He seemed very much into the idea of him and me, but in a manner that made it clear he was concentrating on the mission. I fell SO in love. I was going to marry this boy. Our love story was so unique, so perfect. I just knew.

Then he came home.

 Night and Day, I tell ya. He seemed to avoid me at all costs. And when we did finally meet up, it was clear that he was no longer mine. And I began to wonder if he was even mine to claim. So the time came to buck up, be a man, and tell him I didn't want anything out of this friendship romantically.

You should have seen the relief on his face-it was almost embarrassing.
Since then many tears have been shed, wondering the big question of WHY? Why didn't it work out? It seemed like a fairytale romance constructed purely out of God's majestic hands. And yet, as I would stare out at the stars, I sensed that they knew. They knew that this time was coming. A time foretold by lovesick individuals all over the world, that every human being must face at least once in their lifetime; heartbreak.
I thought I had it this time. I thought he was my forever love, when in actuality he was never really mine to claim. CJ and I had never been on any official dates. He had talked about taking me on so many fun ones when he came home. But those dates never came. And will never come. And you know what?

That's ok.

I've grown so much from this experience. I know now he never will be the one for me. That God has a much greater plan in store for me. And that plan includes a guy who will actually LOVE me, maybe more if not as much as I love him, If I'm lucky! I just know there's someone out there who dreams of love and sharing that gift as much as I do. If it had worked out with CJ, I wouldn't have put in my papers to go on a mission. I am SO excited. I just spoke to my bishop the other day, and he said he plans on turning them in May 15th. Why so late I'll never know, but I'm trying hard to look at the positive things in my life. It's closer than I realize.
I know with CJ it would've been difficult to try to explain to him what is going on with my health. I sent him a letter once explaining what was going on with me, and he wrote back saying he understood and had no idea. But it was made known to me that he actually didn't understand and was a little put off by it. So how great is it that while all this is happening to me, I'm able to take care of it and nip it in the butt? I definitely see this as a blessing. I want to be the best possible version of me, and this health trial came at the most perfect time in my life. At my most vulnerable self, only to build me up stronger. Because that's what trials do-make you stronger. :)

How grateful I am for my life and all the mishaps and the beautiful moments that make each day more worth it than the last. I love life!

CJ will text me once a blue moon, or call me on my birthday (he did that weeks ago and I was SO thrown off, I didn't know how to react), and it takes me to a whole different mental setting. My heart pounds hard when I see his name on my phone, or that he liked a photo/status on fb (cheesy, I know.) But I can't wait for the day when that will only be a memory, nothing more.

The future is bright, lads and gals. So bright.

Speaking of brightness, this is the song best describing this post's mood. Enjoy:)


For CJ. Because if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far.

Late Night Musings

First and foremost, my prayers are with Boston. I know that in times like these, when the world seems to have fallen into a darken state, a wonderful thing happens; love. I am astounded at how many people were shocked to see helping hands bandage the cuts, push the wheel chairs, and mourn for those that wept. Hope is not lost. In fact, it has just begun. 


I want to paint. Real bad. Seriously. Like, REAL bad. I want to grab water colors and go all Pocahontas on a white sheet of paper and get all sunset-y and crap. Is that too much to ask for? Oh wait. There's the creativity part...bah.


I'm nervous for tomorrow. I meet with my "trainer". The reason that word is in parenthesis is because she doesn't train movements with me. That's what Crossfit is for :) She merely measures body fat percentage, goes over my food journal and creates eating plans for me. If I hadn't been weak, nauseous, dizzy and a little unmotivated by it all, then there would be no reason to be nervous. But I am. And its scurrrrry.


The episode where Wallace and Gromit visit the moon because they run out of cheese? Well, it looks delicious.
That clay cheese, that is. Nom nom nom.

I just want to go on my mission already. I mean, I'm already getting pretty ahead of myself in the fashion preparation department. Thrifted skirts galore!


Rebel Wilson is not that funny to me. I mean, I love her in Pitch Perfect. But LEZBIHONEST; does she really think she can crack fat jokes forever? There's something about an overweight comedian basing jokes off their weight that I find sad. Just downright cringe worthy. Their insecurities? Shines all bright like a diamond.
Yes, I did make a Rihanna refrence. *GAG*But I couldn't help it.


I want a baby. A blonde baby, to be exact. I want those baby blues, that porcelain skin, and that summer gold coming out of this womb of mine baby. I blame my niece; shes a babe.

SEE!?!?! Ahhh. Be still my heart. 

So I was creeping on a specific blog today, and this girl began to talk about her husband and their love story. She wrote about how he would send her movie music lyrics, excerpts from books, postcards and love letters while she was on the mission. It got me thinking; is there really someone out there who thinks like me? Who sees the stars and wonders at the vast glory our Father in Heaven has surrounded us with? Who looks at a sunset and sigh with love for the colors? Walk alone in the woods and think of all the romantic settings that could possibly take place there? Read Thoreau and immediately have a desire to frolic amongst dandelions?

To hear a love song and think about just that; love, and all the beauty it entails.

Haha, I know, I'm a crazy romantic. Its true. But there's something about all the little, dainty things in life that have the biggest impact on me. A single flower among weeds, the way the ocean hits the sand, a simple kiss on the forehead.

*Siiiiiiigh*

I wonder if I'll ever find the right one. I think that may be one of the biggest fears I have - not necessarily wondering if I'll find someone. Because there's someone out there for everyone. But it I'll find the right one. The one who will dance with me in the kitchen. Who will enjoy when I surprise him at work with lunch. Who will take adventures with me. Take my hand and kiss it. Whisper sweet nothings in my ear at the most unexpected, maybe "inappropriate" times...hehehe.


I'm excited for the future. For once, not chasing a boy. Haha, I have a history of those. After all, my first kiss was forced (I made him kiss me-meaning I grabbed his face and chased him around demanding he liked me).


oh, and I LOVE BATMAN.


Welp. Bedtime it is! Time for the nightly animal video, shall we? Enjoy :) Sweet dreams and happy thoughts!

                                                             Wiggle wiggle wiggle, Bella!

back

It's been a while. A WHILE while. When I first started this blog, I only jumped on it so I could be cool like everyone else who was starting one. Because indie-ness has just started to bite everyone and blogging became part of that world. A world I was desperate to join. Well I think I honestly started thinking too much about it. Thinking too much about impressing others, when this blog should be about me. It's a little piece of my life typed up with the best intentions with the hopes that if others do happen to read it, that they can just do that-and move on. So here's to the upteenth million do-over that I've forced upon this poor little bloggy.

 Should we start? Let's start :)

Hi! I'm Natalie. I'm a nature loving, health nut cooking, occasionally tv addicted, avid thrifter, and day dreaming gal who loves life and everything in it...except butter and mayonnaise. Those two can go.
I always have the hardest time talking about myself. You see, I listen to people more than I talk, so forgive me if these random facts about me aren't numerous/fascinating. I consider this part to take some creativity.

I watch cute animal videos before bed every night so I can go to sleep in a good mood. It always works!

I one day will go to Iceland and find TreeBeard's long lost wife. Or maybe and Elf or two. I sure wouldn't mind that :)

I think words are so beautiful. I love reading poems and trying to interpret the literary meaning behind it, or even just try to apply it to my own life. I love words.

I hate Family Guy, American Pie, or any other crude movie like those two. That kind of humor like Ted, etc., just doesn't do it for me. Someone could say vagina and I may burst into snickers. Human genitalia kind of does that to me. But start talking nasty and Ill cut you with my glare. It's a mexican thing.

Oh, which brings me to this one: I'm a delicious mix of Hawaiian and Mexican! But lets be honest; with this skin, it CAN'T be pure half Hawaiian, right? Truth is...I am a quarter Hawaiian and the rest is a mix of French and a tiny, tiny pinch of Japanese. It took me a while to understand why my eyes would disappear when I smiled....

I decided that I will adopt a dog with special needs one day. I love animals. Not cats. They're useless. I want

to give that love to an animal as if it was my own child. I want to nurture! I must nurture. Must. NURTURE.

I was diagnosed with Candida in Spring of 2010, and has changed my life forever. If you don't know what Candida exactly is, I encourage you to know more about it here. I just didn't know, just like many out there don't. And I can only hope that we become more educated about it. I could go on and on...but maybe another time :)

I LOVE love. Love it. I am a hopeless romantic; a daydreamer, a poet at heart. I was born with an aesthetic brain that allows me to appreciate art, nature, and beauty in the most unlikely places. Love songs speak to me. Trees whisper their music in my ears while the wind blows by. I thrive on the sound of morning wind chimes, and think that God is the greatest artist of all. I love it.

I'm Mormon. I love it. Always have, always will. That's all there is to it.

Lets do a quick briefing of life:Born in Hawaii. Move to Washington when I was 8. Moved into new house. Hated middle school. Hated High school. Went to BYU-Hawaii. Came home. Got sick. Like, really sick. Finally found doctor who saved my life. Decided to become a personal trainer and that fitness was her passion, all while being sick. We'll cover that later. Transfer to BYU-Idaho. Love it. A lot. Come home. Was all like "yo, I wanna go on a mission". Papers are in. Taking care of health while waiting. And BOOM I'm here.

Life is a mystery. I know that's an insanely cliched, but...I can see why. I never expected my life to be this way. I never expected to turn this path even though every fiber in my being fought for the other path. I've wondered over again and again...why. Why didn't I belong at BYU-Hawaii? Why did we even have to move? Why didn't my missionary want me when he came home? Why am I sick? Why do things have to be hard? Any Debbie Downer might say that life just sucks. And then we die!

But I refuse to believe that. Maybe we have a purpose. Maybe we are here to do something good with our lives. That through all the dirt, hate and sadness, we emerge from the dust and become who we are truly meant to be by how we react to certain life situations. I never thought that Id be having the side affects from the meds Im taking, or the exhaustion, or even the mental struggles I've faced. I never expected it. But I can honestly say that it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm evolving into ME. I'm becoming me. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I'm really starting to like the person I'm becoming. Everyday I'm closer than I was yesterday.


Yeah....that was kinda relieving. Kinda nice to just let things out. Talk about myself for once.That's definitely something I may never get used to.

Off to bed. Dream a little dream for me why don'tchya?

    

                                                           This song....always makes me dream.

Awakening

This post has a slightly different feel to it. Life is so good, guys. And I've realized that I want to change. I need to change. I need to and want to be better. I'm excited for what the future holds, because my entire outlook has had this positive awakening. And positivity is a powerful thing.
So this post, is specifically dedicated to S. And I'm not ashamed. This is to S and all the other "S" 's in my life who brought me down. Who told me I couldn't. Who spit me out like I was poison. To everyone who made me feel like something was wrong with me.
I've come to realize that the things that happen to me don't determine who I am, but rather how I face them. I used to cower at the bad. Cry endlessly because I didn't feel like I was good enough for anyone. But I stand now today knowing that this is a lie.
I am who I am. I love my life. Even though things never go how we expect them to, or even how we wish they would, there's beauty in the madness. I love that everyday is a new day. A fresh start to carve myself into the person I want to be. There are days where I just want to run away. But I'm putting my foot down and saying no.
No more. No more slow healing wounds. No more taking bullets. No more sinking into the quicksand you threw me into.
I smile because life is changing. Everything is happening how it should, and I thank God for holding my hand every step of the way.
I've been asked many times why all I seem to write about it fitness, love, and my niece.
Well...I guess you can call it passion.
Passion in believing that once you conquer your own demons, you can do ANYTHING.
Passion in believing that true love exists, and one day someone will hold my hand and mean it.
Passion that if I love my niece this much, I can't imagine how much I'm gonna love my own kids.
Passion that I am in control of my life. And I'm taking control.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I've never believed in that phrase more than I do now. So to every "S" in anyone's life: you and all the other naysayers can throw your sticks and stones,and throw your bombs all you want; but this is a part of me that your never ever gonna take away from me.

I realize this blog is passionate; too bad, it's my blog and I do what I want. Muwahahahaha.
But I haven't forgotten my list! I've knocked off a bunch. Ill update soon. But until then, I'm off to run some stairs and watch Snow white and the Huntsman WOO! Never heard of it? Check it here.. You won't regret it!

To my best friend

There are literally no words for what I want to say to you. My best friend. My angel. My savior to every trouble that comes my way. My role model.

My mother.

Can I say I love you? Of course I can. But that wouldn't be nearly enough. Because honestly, nothing in this life would be good enough for you. You are so much more than this life; you gave me life.
What can I say to you to let you know how much I care? I'm at a loss for words. Even actions don't seem to do any justice.
Do you know how much my heart aches for you? How every decision I make is first and foremost, a decision that I hope you approve of? Because if it isn't, then what good is it? You're my everything. You're the sunshine that chases every bad breakup, every bad test score, and every mean girl's comment away. You make me see who I really am, who I can be, and who I am meant to be. You make me want to scream on every mountain top how blessed I am that you chose daddy, gave me brothers, and that we are a family.

We're a family. A forever family. 

Forever. Because you chose that. You never settled for less than that. Do you realize what that means to me, mama?
We're gonna be together forever! A gift I can't repay you in this life, but only the next.
Remember those nights where our emotions were numb, and our tear stained faces echoed eachother's feelings without having to say a word? Remember when you said you wish you could carry my pain, and that you could help?
Oh mama. Don't you know? Don't you know that I took every word in? That every word you said lifted me higher? I know during the tough times, when you felt helpless to my pain, you cursed yourself, wishing you could say something good enough.

Oh mama. Don't you know?

Don't you know that every word is tattooed on my heart? 

When we were kids, we wanted to be astronauts, princesses, and policeman.
We wanted to own the world, and have it bow down to our glory.
I found that as I got older, my dreams of being a veterinarian changed to a firewoman, forensic scientist, a nurse, and a personal trainer.
But the truth is mama, all I wanna be is just like you.
I can only dream of having a daughter who trusts and looks up to me as much as I look up to you.

You bled, struggled, cried, prayed, laughed and yearned for me. You have given me life. There is no greater gift than the gift of family.

The gift of you. 

There is not a more beautiful woman in the world than you, mama. I love you for everything you stand for. Forever and always.

"Do you love me? Yes I do! Do you love me? I know it's true! All through day and night!"

"Hacerin, haceran, los banderos de san juan!"

"Baby eyes, and baby nose. Baby feet, and baby toes, you are my baby, baby baby."

 They never get old. And never will. When we get to heaven and make our own worlds, lets build our houses on neighboring planets where we can sing, dance the cha cha like you always did, PR our crossfit workouts and conquer the world. 

I have never been more proud of you than I am now. I love you. So, so much. 

So here's my ode; to the most beautiful woman I have ever known, the woman who has saved my life in every way possible; here's to you. 

Happy Mother's Day, Mama.  

RCF

 This is what it's all about. This is home.One day, I'll be as cool as them.
 Check it out, you won't regret it.

 Rainier Crossfit

I'd rather love just a little too much

Guess what guys?
Something happened. Something pretty great and not so great mixed into one of those big, life learning lessons that we get once in a while (or in my case, more often than once a while).
In order to guess, you have to read the previous post to know who I am referring to.
Because I dated S.
Yep. I did. I fought for S. I told S "hey, you're cute and pretty great. Let's make this happen".
Well, not exactly in those words, OBVZZ, but similar enough. And guess what? S said yes. To me.
This gorgeous, blonde, blue eyed hunk said yes. He ended it with his previous girl and decided to give me a try. I can't tell you how psyched I was. I mean, I had butterflies, weak ankles-all the goods. Basically this is how it went down:
Me and my roommate played soccer with S and his roomies.
S flirts with me tons. I love it. But then I remember:
S has a woman. This is not right.
So I straight up say " Hey S. Cut it out. You're messing with my feelings".
S heeded the warning. We all go back to his apartment and laugh, make smoothies, and watch Community. WIN.
Time for me and roomie to go. So S walks me out to his car to get some athletic tape for my Lacrosse stick.
We have a conversation. I tell him I like him a lot. He says he does to. But he thinks he should take it slow. Because S normally goes fast. I agree. We hug. And I walk home a little taller that night.
For the next couple weeks, we date. We hug, we hold hands, we laugh, we flirt. S is sweet. S is darling.
S is mine.
We exchange cute little forehead/cheek kisses. I can't help but smile. Even in my sleep. All is well. We are taking it slow. He is patient, understanding. He's mine.
Then, the storm hits. One day, when I hadn't heard from him all day, I wondered why. S comes over. We talk. Deep talks are fun. Deep talks are great. S asks me what I look for, and what I feel like when I like someone.
"Well S," I say. "My heart thumps. I smile. I get butterflies. I get crazy. I get happy. I like them a lot."
S says he's never felt that. EVER. And it shocks me. I secretly hope I do that for him. But then he tells me he doesn't really feel that with me.
SLAP.
I try not to worry. But S says he doesn't know if he likes me, or the thought of me.
Where have I heard this before? Oh yeah, from ME. Karma is a beez.
So we go home with worried hearts. At least mine is.
The next morning, I look at my phone. There's no "good morning beautiful". I walk around and see all the couples, laced fingers and sweet kisses. My hands feel empty, my forehead is cold. Where's my S?
Finally, I hear from S. S still doesn't know if he likes me. I ask him if he wants to be with me, kiss me, find me attractive, like spending time with me. Because if he does, I think he likes me. He says he does.
S comes over. We talk on my couch like we always do. But something seems off. S likes me. But he doesn't know if he is capable of being crazy about anyone. His heart is numb.
So is mine. Because, I really like S. I always have, since I  met him. I want S. But it's clear: S doesn't want want me as much as I want him.
Once we come to that realization, the pain sinks in. The silence rings in my ears. It's over. S doesn't want me. All the pain from previous relationships explodes into one, big, nuclear bomb.
Where had I gone wrong? I always thought of myself as a decent person. Someone who was likable.
But not to S. He says I did nothing wrong. But that's what they all have said. And with a sorry, my tears, and a hug goodbye, S is gone.

I pondered about this for some time. What have I done? Why do they always end it with me? What am I doing wrong? I am not perfect. But I know that if I had done something to deserve being the dumpee every time, I would catch it by now. I cried enough tears over my situation. Not just with S, but with every J, T, SM, and now S that has come and gone through my life. What have I done? J didn't like my religion. T said he wanted to concentrate on other things, only to get another girl soon after. SM woke up one day and didn't want me. In fact, he didn't want anyone. He got all anti-love. And S...well, S isn't "capable", or "worthy" of these feelings, as he puts them.
So where did I go wrong?
What is wrong with me?
I thought about this a lot. And I've come to this conclusion:
nothing.
I gave these boys love. I let them know I cared. I fought for them. And in the end, It didn't matter. Although I walked away with more scars than they ever could feel, I needed the experience. Heavenly Father has a bigger plan for me. I don't know what it is, nor do I claim to understand it. But I know he knows my heart. He knows how pure and sincere my love is. I am so ready to love. I'm done of just loving; it's my turn to be loved.
I know that everything will be ok. Although these boys probably never gave or give a damn about me, I know that I did give a damn about them. I always will. But they didn't deserve my love.
One day, a man-not a boy, but a true gentleman- will come into my life and sweep me off my feet. He'll randomly stop me and pull me close to him to dance with him. He will tell me that I am beautiful when I don't expect it. He'll be the first to text me and say "Wow, Natalie. I had such a great time. You're the best." He'll be the one who makes the plans. He'll watch the stars with me. He'll appreciate my love for batman. He'll toss me around when we kiss because he's crazy about me.
He's gonna love me.
Not less than the amount I love him. But just as much.
So S...I'm sorry it didn't work out. You got some stuff to work on. You set the bar pretty high. But you know what? I deserve better. I wish you the best.

So life lesson learned here? Don't settle for less, ladies. He will come. And when he does, you will know.
But until then, Imma jam to Beyonce's "Single Ladies" and enjoy every moment until he comes. They always come when you least expect it. And I can't wait.

 "It's wonderful to fall, let's love and risk it all, I'd rather love just a little too much".

 

Preach it, Miss Bedingfield.