It's gonna be alright.


It just...is.


:)

Still Falling

Tonight I feel peace. Peace that all will be well. In every single aspect in my life.

I've really struggled more than normal these past couple weeks. Satan just really sucks. But OBVZZZ. Lawlz.

But in seriousness, I had the opportunity to enter the temple my third time in my life yesterday. I went in frustrated. Upset. Angry at everyone at everything. It's not recommended that you enter the temple under such terms at all, but I knew that I needed to go. I could feel how closed my mind was to everything. To every spiritual beam that was trying to pierce into my very being, but I wouldn't let it. I was so sad. So hopeless. I felt like How dare he (he being God) leave me all alone to deal with this, with no tools for my mind to fight this. Because it is my mind. My mind that has controlled for so long. I was, and still am, just tired. 

So tired. 

Too tired to fight back the battles life has faced me with that purposely enter to make me stronger; but here I was, succumbing.

My mother, bless her heart- told me that I had to help her out. I had to help myself. I had to fight this. To the death, she said.

I wonder sometimes why we hang on to the negative. I know there are positive people in life, guaranteed millions of them exist. But I honestly think that the negativity in our minds triumphs over the positive for most of us. What is it about sadness that is so...

alluring?

I realized a long time ago that I'm afraid to let the sadness go. I feel that's its all I have. I don't have many friends. I'm behind in school, and wasn't doing too great. I had no idea where to go in life, who was to come in it. I can point out so many negative things-but that just proves my point;

Why?

So I'm going to make more of an effort to help myself. To literally lift these exhausted muscles and move. Keep moving. Allow my brain to absorb more sunlight than darkness. Because I can't...I can't live like this anymore. You can't help those who don't want to be helped.

Well, I want to be helped. Truly helped.
I need to remember my goals but also remember there are other aspects of life to concentrate on. I can do this. Today I went to CrossFit and did a really, really hard Hero WOD. It was hard! And I did it! I felt good all day today until It was time to dress in real clothes (NOT exercise clothes) and go to my younger brother's Football game. I struggled. This shirt made my arms thick, this didn't hide my rolls, this one squeezed my hips, so on so forth. Dressing up has always been a struggle for me, because when it comes to my appearance, I've never really ever, truly loved the human being looking back at me from the mirror. 

But I will. One day, sooner than later, and it's coming. I can't wait.

There is something so poetic about struggles. There's virtue in shared difficulties. I think that's one of the greatest aspects of humanity. Even though we feel alone, we never are really alone in this world (all religion aside). Because we ALL struggle. Not one is the same in degree or likeness...I love it.
I find sadness at times, poetic. Besides the Mumford and Sons' ways with their words of heartbreak, theres beauty in trials. I may not necessarily see mine at the moment, because I'm still fresh from the lecture that actually helped this weekend from my mother, but I'm trying. I trying to understand how there's beauty in such pain all at the same time.

I know my thoughts are all over the place. It's ok thought because this is for me, not really anyone else.

I really think that I will be ok. That I'll be able to breathe easy one day and not hyperventilate at my reflection. I will reach my goals. No one can say otherwise; it's not in my nature to do so. But I will do so in balance.

I hope to see things in a more positive light. I look forward to the day I can smile and really, deeply, truly and sincerely mean it. To wake up to sunrises even on the dreary days.

Sometimes I don't know where my Heavenly Father is. Well, I think it's about time I went to go find him, don't you?

I'm still falling...but not for long.

Untitled.

So this blog is basically my diary. I write more in this than my actual, leather-bound, red journal sittingg at home, pages waved by the endless amounts of crushes, love stories, and teenage temper tantrums of my youth.

It's kinda sad, really. To think that I've taken more to the technological advancements of writing than good old fashioned, pen and paper sort of style. I actually prefer the second; I just don't feel it. And you gotta feel it in order for the magic to happen.


I've shared bits and pieces of my life story-of some struggles I've had. But I never really touched on the now. I feel like I personally want to write, or technically...type my frustrations out. It's not necessarily for attention or even to vent; it's a combination of both. I write this hoping that people who struggle with the same issues will find me so that maybe we can all help each other. I'd like to know that I'm not alone, to know that there are other similar yet entirely different struggles that each bring a different shed of light to the table.

I've struggled with body image since I was a little girl.

I can't exactly pinpoint the exact moment when I started combining hatred with my body and sight. I went to a counselor for some time who helped me unearth the deepest parts of my memories, and the reasoning behind the dark thoughts of my past. There was an event that led me to come home and look at my body differently than I ever had before. I can't remember exactly what happened, all I know is that I was teased.
Ever since moving from Hawaii to Washington, I literally hated school. I was never popular, nor necessarily the "geek", but I wasn't cool. I was never picked last for kickball, but I wasn't first. I wasn't noticed by boys, but I was noticed enough to let them thrive off my insecurities. I reeked of them. I was timid, shy, and didn't have comebacks. Don't get me wrong, I had friends to eat with at lunch and people to say hi and smile to while passing the halls, but it was all superficial.

Anyone ever remember the scene in Mean Girls where Lindsay Lohan's character eats lunch in the bathroom stall? I've done that once in high school. I just didn't have any friends. Nor did I have the confidence and self esteem to really, truly try. 

I finally confronted my issues of self loathing the summer after my freshman year at BYU-Hawaii. I had come home 20lbs heavier. In high school I weighed 150. I hated it then, but how I wish I could be there now...
I visited counselors and was put on depression pills. I remember the day I was diagnosed as depressed-I felt like I should've been thrown into an insane asylum. Because that's exactly what I had thought it was-crazy, uncontrollable anger, sadness, and just pure lunacy. But it's not like that at all. I quickly learned that more people were depressed and on medication than I realized.

Life is hard. And for those who lack religion, faith, or something of a higher power to hold on to, hope can be hard to come by. Why am I alive? Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? Where am I going?

Thankfully, I had the knowledge of the gospel. I knew Heavenly Father loved me, had and has a plan for me. It's still a tough thought to convince myself of, but the knowledge and testimony is there.
I have certain goals I want to reach in this life. Particularly, pertaining to fitness. Going through this journey has shown me who my true friends are, who the naysayers will be and who will have my back. I remember that after telling people how all I wanted was to be lean, to have tonage, a six pack, ripped delts, basically just MUSCLES- they quickly roll their eyes and laugh. "Why?" , their ridiculed voices would say. Sarcasm dripping from their tone, so quick to tear down my dream. I want to be the best version I can be. To be able to help people reach their own goals. I truly believe that when you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, you do good. And when you do good, everyone else wonders, catches on, and the entire process is repeated in a never ending cycle of kindness, self discovery and confidence, which adheres to happiness.

I don't want to be good, ok, or even reach 75% of my potential. Why not go all the way? I see people who look at themselves in the mirror, are not necessarily thrilled but satisfied. "It's ok to not go for that promotion. I'm fine where I am." "It's ok that I have love handles and a chubby waist. I'll never be able to wear a bikini, but that's just how I am." "It's ok to settle for my degree. I'll never have the time to get a higher one anyways."

WHY. Why must people settle? Why do we find ourselves accepting the mediocre? Why don't we go for the GREAT?

Fitness and weight loss/health is a touchy subject, because for one: people don't like being told the truth and two: to hear that it's possible to reach these goals is just preposterous, right? I mean, no one actually thinks that getting toned and slim is attainable? It's only for those _____ people.

My goals have been laughed at, mocked, and torn down by those who don't think I can do it. Why?

I had a trainer, my first trainer ever and the first woman besides my mother who believed in me tell me something I'll never forget. When I told her about the endless naysayers to my self-improvement cause, she told me "The only reason why anyone tells you that it's impossible is because they don't believe that they can do it themselves."

THAT'S why.

 So I'm on a journey to accomplish my life's biggest trial and reach a goal that I know if I can reach, I'll be able to do anything.
Anything. 

 Fast forwarding to now- man it's tough. I eat clean, do cardio a minimum of 3x a week, isolated strength training twice a week and crossfit three. I've been at this for months, and nothing has budged. Literally. I've seen my measurements, and done my bod pod. I've weighed myself (although I don't like scales, nor do I trust them) and nothing. I dont understand....if anything, I'm getting a little bigger. My clothes are tighter. Something just isn't right. I'll be off my medication in about a month, we've been weaning me off because for one, I've gotten emotionally better....it's time for me to turn around and face the music. And two, the pills we believe made me gain weight. Well, I'm literally at the last set of dosage. You would think with decreasing, my body fat would decrease.

I went to my natureopath last week and shes checking my hormones. Thyroid, cortisol...all the goods.

Something is just not right. The puzzle isn't completed. No matter what I do, it's not working....what else can I do? I have no idea where else to go, who else to see...my mom says to only concentrate on the things I can control. She's absolutely right; it's just hard.

I'm really trying. But man, this. Is. HARD. Lately it's been really getting to me...because it's been years of hard work and no results. Literally, nothing.

Just focus on the positive without giving up at the same time.


Wish me luck. 'til better days. 

 

Listen.

It is a true tragedy when the individual who always lends a willing ear, won't be heard.

All my life, I struggled to make friends. It was a hard move, from Hawaii to Washington. A true culture shock- and that included a shock of company. Friends were hard to make. And the rest is history.
I remember hearing that a good friend is one who listens, takes interest in others...someone is isn't just sitting there, but is truly present. So I did what I thought was best; and that was to listen. 

It worked. People gravitated towards me, unwinding from their tightly knitted lives and unburdening their thoughts, expressing their ideas which would in other company, cause controversy, on me. And I was grateful to be of some help, even if it meant not responding. But there were times when I wanted to set my burdens down. I wanted someone to hold my weight just for a moment, maybe stroke my head and tell me that all would be well, and give me the comfort I yearned for.

But no one listened.

If I began to talk about myself for a second, the immediate disinterested party member emerged, and my search for comfort was stopped abruptly. I feared the ever coming rejection that I had already sampled. No one responded to me, but instead all I got was a ," Oh, that's a bummer. *text text text* Oh my gosh, you know what ______ did?" Only to continue to veer away from me.

So I adapted. And just listened.


Well the time has come for me to let go of my past. To loosen the grip on my anger towards the people who had the uncanny ability to make me feel insignificant. Small. Unimportant. And like a downright loser.
It has come to my attention that I have been holding onto these feelings for far too long. I give them much more credit than they deserve, and it's time for me to be strong, turn around, and face the music. To allow myself the freedom to be confident, and to not let anyone determine my happiness. Because of them, I've allowed myself to hold back on opportunities where I otherwise felt unworthy of, and frankly, just not good enough.

So as I embark on this journey of following Eleanor Roosevelt's infamous piece of advice, I realize that people will still be ignorant of others, but in this case, of how I feel. But I need to push past it.

I just finished talking to a childhood friend of mine who has moved away after our senior year of high school. We chatted about his family, romances, work, and social life. But when the time came that I finally braved up and started to talk about me, the typical, unsurprising reaction from most ensued:

"That's a bummer. It's getting late, I have to go."

I hung up discouraged. I'm on this new path of enlightened confidence, and they're already hitting me.
As hard as it was to swallow, I just let go. And part of that process includes this rant.

It still sucks. But when is anyone ever going to listen?

Will anyone ever care?

I guess I'll just stick to trees and leaves. Oh, and sunshine. At least they listen.

How grateful I am for a Heavenly Father who listens. Truly listens. Even though I can't see him face to face, I can feel that he is there. He loves me. He cares for me. And he truly listens. I couldn't have asked for a better creator, or a better heavenly father.

Happy Father's Day to all the men in my life. I love you.

Thursday Thoughts

 

And last, but not least....HIM. 

Damn. That is one BEAUTIFUL man. I love you Jake Abel.

Happy Birthday, CJ

Today is CJ's birthday. 

If you guys actually have read this thing, then you know exactly who I'm talking about.
CJ was my last love. The childhood friend who I always loved and never got the timing right with. So while he was on a mission, I decided to prove to him just how much I cared by constantly writing him, sending packages-the whole "actions speak louder than words". At first it went great. He seemed very much into the idea of him and me, but in a manner that made it clear he was concentrating on the mission. I fell SO in love. I was going to marry this boy. Our love story was so unique, so perfect. I just knew.

Then he came home.

 Night and Day, I tell ya. He seemed to avoid me at all costs. And when we did finally meet up, it was clear that he was no longer mine. And I began to wonder if he was even mine to claim. So the time came to buck up, be a man, and tell him I didn't want anything out of this friendship romantically.

You should have seen the relief on his face-it was almost embarrassing.
Since then many tears have been shed, wondering the big question of WHY? Why didn't it work out? It seemed like a fairytale romance constructed purely out of God's majestic hands. And yet, as I would stare out at the stars, I sensed that they knew. They knew that this time was coming. A time foretold by lovesick individuals all over the world, that every human being must face at least once in their lifetime; heartbreak.
I thought I had it this time. I thought he was my forever love, when in actuality he was never really mine to claim. CJ and I had never been on any official dates. He had talked about taking me on so many fun ones when he came home. But those dates never came. And will never come. And you know what?

That's ok.

I've grown so much from this experience. I know now he never will be the one for me. That God has a much greater plan in store for me. And that plan includes a guy who will actually LOVE me, maybe more if not as much as I love him, If I'm lucky! I just know there's someone out there who dreams of love and sharing that gift as much as I do. If it had worked out with CJ, I wouldn't have put in my papers to go on a mission. I am SO excited. I just spoke to my bishop the other day, and he said he plans on turning them in May 15th. Why so late I'll never know, but I'm trying hard to look at the positive things in my life. It's closer than I realize.
I know with CJ it would've been difficult to try to explain to him what is going on with my health. I sent him a letter once explaining what was going on with me, and he wrote back saying he understood and had no idea. But it was made known to me that he actually didn't understand and was a little put off by it. So how great is it that while all this is happening to me, I'm able to take care of it and nip it in the butt? I definitely see this as a blessing. I want to be the best possible version of me, and this health trial came at the most perfect time in my life. At my most vulnerable self, only to build me up stronger. Because that's what trials do-make you stronger. :)

How grateful I am for my life and all the mishaps and the beautiful moments that make each day more worth it than the last. I love life!

CJ will text me once a blue moon, or call me on my birthday (he did that weeks ago and I was SO thrown off, I didn't know how to react), and it takes me to a whole different mental setting. My heart pounds hard when I see his name on my phone, or that he liked a photo/status on fb (cheesy, I know.) But I can't wait for the day when that will only be a memory, nothing more.

The future is bright, lads and gals. So bright.

Speaking of brightness, this is the song best describing this post's mood. Enjoy:)


For CJ. Because if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far.

Late Night Musings

First and foremost, my prayers are with Boston. I know that in times like these, when the world seems to have fallen into a darken state, a wonderful thing happens; love. I am astounded at how many people were shocked to see helping hands bandage the cuts, push the wheel chairs, and mourn for those that wept. Hope is not lost. In fact, it has just begun. 


I want to paint. Real bad. Seriously. Like, REAL bad. I want to grab water colors and go all Pocahontas on a white sheet of paper and get all sunset-y and crap. Is that too much to ask for? Oh wait. There's the creativity part...bah.


I'm nervous for tomorrow. I meet with my "trainer". The reason that word is in parenthesis is because she doesn't train movements with me. That's what Crossfit is for :) She merely measures body fat percentage, goes over my food journal and creates eating plans for me. If I hadn't been weak, nauseous, dizzy and a little unmotivated by it all, then there would be no reason to be nervous. But I am. And its scurrrrry.


The episode where Wallace and Gromit visit the moon because they run out of cheese? Well, it looks delicious.
That clay cheese, that is. Nom nom nom.

I just want to go on my mission already. I mean, I'm already getting pretty ahead of myself in the fashion preparation department. Thrifted skirts galore!


Rebel Wilson is not that funny to me. I mean, I love her in Pitch Perfect. But LEZBIHONEST; does she really think she can crack fat jokes forever? There's something about an overweight comedian basing jokes off their weight that I find sad. Just downright cringe worthy. Their insecurities? Shines all bright like a diamond.
Yes, I did make a Rihanna refrence. *GAG*But I couldn't help it.


I want a baby. A blonde baby, to be exact. I want those baby blues, that porcelain skin, and that summer gold coming out of this womb of mine baby. I blame my niece; shes a babe.

SEE!?!?! Ahhh. Be still my heart. 

So I was creeping on a specific blog today, and this girl began to talk about her husband and their love story. She wrote about how he would send her movie music lyrics, excerpts from books, postcards and love letters while she was on the mission. It got me thinking; is there really someone out there who thinks like me? Who sees the stars and wonders at the vast glory our Father in Heaven has surrounded us with? Who looks at a sunset and sigh with love for the colors? Walk alone in the woods and think of all the romantic settings that could possibly take place there? Read Thoreau and immediately have a desire to frolic amongst dandelions?

To hear a love song and think about just that; love, and all the beauty it entails.

Haha, I know, I'm a crazy romantic. Its true. But there's something about all the little, dainty things in life that have the biggest impact on me. A single flower among weeds, the way the ocean hits the sand, a simple kiss on the forehead.

*Siiiiiiigh*

I wonder if I'll ever find the right one. I think that may be one of the biggest fears I have - not necessarily wondering if I'll find someone. Because there's someone out there for everyone. But it I'll find the right one. The one who will dance with me in the kitchen. Who will enjoy when I surprise him at work with lunch. Who will take adventures with me. Take my hand and kiss it. Whisper sweet nothings in my ear at the most unexpected, maybe "inappropriate" times...hehehe.


I'm excited for the future. For once, not chasing a boy. Haha, I have a history of those. After all, my first kiss was forced (I made him kiss me-meaning I grabbed his face and chased him around demanding he liked me).


oh, and I LOVE BATMAN.


Welp. Bedtime it is! Time for the nightly animal video, shall we? Enjoy :) Sweet dreams and happy thoughts!

                                                             Wiggle wiggle wiggle, Bella!

back

It's been a while. A WHILE while. When I first started this blog, I only jumped on it so I could be cool like everyone else who was starting one. Because indie-ness has just started to bite everyone and blogging became part of that world. A world I was desperate to join. Well I think I honestly started thinking too much about it. Thinking too much about impressing others, when this blog should be about me. It's a little piece of my life typed up with the best intentions with the hopes that if others do happen to read it, that they can just do that-and move on. So here's to the upteenth million do-over that I've forced upon this poor little bloggy.

 Should we start? Let's start :)

Hi! I'm Natalie. I'm a nature loving, health nut cooking, occasionally tv addicted, avid thrifter, and day dreaming gal who loves life and everything in it...except butter and mayonnaise. Those two can go.
I always have the hardest time talking about myself. You see, I listen to people more than I talk, so forgive me if these random facts about me aren't numerous/fascinating. I consider this part to take some creativity.

I watch cute animal videos before bed every night so I can go to sleep in a good mood. It always works!

I one day will go to Iceland and find TreeBeard's long lost wife. Or maybe and Elf or two. I sure wouldn't mind that :)

I think words are so beautiful. I love reading poems and trying to interpret the literary meaning behind it, or even just try to apply it to my own life. I love words.

I hate Family Guy, American Pie, or any other crude movie like those two. That kind of humor like Ted, etc., just doesn't do it for me. Someone could say vagina and I may burst into snickers. Human genitalia kind of does that to me. But start talking nasty and Ill cut you with my glare. It's a mexican thing.

Oh, which brings me to this one: I'm a delicious mix of Hawaiian and Mexican! But lets be honest; with this skin, it CAN'T be pure half Hawaiian, right? Truth is...I am a quarter Hawaiian and the rest is a mix of French and a tiny, tiny pinch of Japanese. It took me a while to understand why my eyes would disappear when I smiled....

I decided that I will adopt a dog with special needs one day. I love animals. Not cats. They're useless. I want

to give that love to an animal as if it was my own child. I want to nurture! I must nurture. Must. NURTURE.

I was diagnosed with Candida in Spring of 2010, and has changed my life forever. If you don't know what Candida exactly is, I encourage you to know more about it here. I just didn't know, just like many out there don't. And I can only hope that we become more educated about it. I could go on and on...but maybe another time :)

I LOVE love. Love it. I am a hopeless romantic; a daydreamer, a poet at heart. I was born with an aesthetic brain that allows me to appreciate art, nature, and beauty in the most unlikely places. Love songs speak to me. Trees whisper their music in my ears while the wind blows by. I thrive on the sound of morning wind chimes, and think that God is the greatest artist of all. I love it.

I'm Mormon. I love it. Always have, always will. That's all there is to it.

Lets do a quick briefing of life:Born in Hawaii. Move to Washington when I was 8. Moved into new house. Hated middle school. Hated High school. Went to BYU-Hawaii. Came home. Got sick. Like, really sick. Finally found doctor who saved my life. Decided to become a personal trainer and that fitness was her passion, all while being sick. We'll cover that later. Transfer to BYU-Idaho. Love it. A lot. Come home. Was all like "yo, I wanna go on a mission". Papers are in. Taking care of health while waiting. And BOOM I'm here.

Life is a mystery. I know that's an insanely cliched, but...I can see why. I never expected my life to be this way. I never expected to turn this path even though every fiber in my being fought for the other path. I've wondered over again and again...why. Why didn't I belong at BYU-Hawaii? Why did we even have to move? Why didn't my missionary want me when he came home? Why am I sick? Why do things have to be hard? Any Debbie Downer might say that life just sucks. And then we die!

But I refuse to believe that. Maybe we have a purpose. Maybe we are here to do something good with our lives. That through all the dirt, hate and sadness, we emerge from the dust and become who we are truly meant to be by how we react to certain life situations. I never thought that Id be having the side affects from the meds Im taking, or the exhaustion, or even the mental struggles I've faced. I never expected it. But I can honestly say that it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm evolving into ME. I'm becoming me. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I'm really starting to like the person I'm becoming. Everyday I'm closer than I was yesterday.


Yeah....that was kinda relieving. Kinda nice to just let things out. Talk about myself for once.That's definitely something I may never get used to.

Off to bed. Dream a little dream for me why don'tchya?

    

                                                           This song....always makes me dream.

Awakening

This post has a slightly different feel to it. Life is so good, guys. And I've realized that I want to change. I need to change. I need to and want to be better. I'm excited for what the future holds, because my entire outlook has had this positive awakening. And positivity is a powerful thing.
So this post, is specifically dedicated to S. And I'm not ashamed. This is to S and all the other "S" 's in my life who brought me down. Who told me I couldn't. Who spit me out like I was poison. To everyone who made me feel like something was wrong with me.
I've come to realize that the things that happen to me don't determine who I am, but rather how I face them. I used to cower at the bad. Cry endlessly because I didn't feel like I was good enough for anyone. But I stand now today knowing that this is a lie.
I am who I am. I love my life. Even though things never go how we expect them to, or even how we wish they would, there's beauty in the madness. I love that everyday is a new day. A fresh start to carve myself into the person I want to be. There are days where I just want to run away. But I'm putting my foot down and saying no.
No more. No more slow healing wounds. No more taking bullets. No more sinking into the quicksand you threw me into.
I smile because life is changing. Everything is happening how it should, and I thank God for holding my hand every step of the way.
I've been asked many times why all I seem to write about it fitness, love, and my niece.
Well...I guess you can call it passion.
Passion in believing that once you conquer your own demons, you can do ANYTHING.
Passion in believing that true love exists, and one day someone will hold my hand and mean it.
Passion that if I love my niece this much, I can't imagine how much I'm gonna love my own kids.
Passion that I am in control of my life. And I'm taking control.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I've never believed in that phrase more than I do now. So to every "S" in anyone's life: you and all the other naysayers can throw your sticks and stones,and throw your bombs all you want; but this is a part of me that your never ever gonna take away from me.

I realize this blog is passionate; too bad, it's my blog and I do what I want. Muwahahahaha.
But I haven't forgotten my list! I've knocked off a bunch. Ill update soon. But until then, I'm off to run some stairs and watch Snow white and the Huntsman WOO! Never heard of it? Check it here.. You won't regret it!

To my best friend

There are literally no words for what I want to say to you. My best friend. My angel. My savior to every trouble that comes my way. My role model.

My mother.

Can I say I love you? Of course I can. But that wouldn't be nearly enough. Because honestly, nothing in this life would be good enough for you. You are so much more than this life; you gave me life.
What can I say to you to let you know how much I care? I'm at a loss for words. Even actions don't seem to do any justice.
Do you know how much my heart aches for you? How every decision I make is first and foremost, a decision that I hope you approve of? Because if it isn't, then what good is it? You're my everything. You're the sunshine that chases every bad breakup, every bad test score, and every mean girl's comment away. You make me see who I really am, who I can be, and who I am meant to be. You make me want to scream on every mountain top how blessed I am that you chose daddy, gave me brothers, and that we are a family.

We're a family. A forever family. 

Forever. Because you chose that. You never settled for less than that. Do you realize what that means to me, mama?
We're gonna be together forever! A gift I can't repay you in this life, but only the next.
Remember those nights where our emotions were numb, and our tear stained faces echoed eachother's feelings without having to say a word? Remember when you said you wish you could carry my pain, and that you could help?
Oh mama. Don't you know? Don't you know that I took every word in? That every word you said lifted me higher? I know during the tough times, when you felt helpless to my pain, you cursed yourself, wishing you could say something good enough.

Oh mama. Don't you know?

Don't you know that every word is tattooed on my heart? 

When we were kids, we wanted to be astronauts, princesses, and policeman.
We wanted to own the world, and have it bow down to our glory.
I found that as I got older, my dreams of being a veterinarian changed to a firewoman, forensic scientist, a nurse, and a personal trainer.
But the truth is mama, all I wanna be is just like you.
I can only dream of having a daughter who trusts and looks up to me as much as I look up to you.

You bled, struggled, cried, prayed, laughed and yearned for me. You have given me life. There is no greater gift than the gift of family.

The gift of you. 

There is not a more beautiful woman in the world than you, mama. I love you for everything you stand for. Forever and always.

"Do you love me? Yes I do! Do you love me? I know it's true! All through day and night!"

"Hacerin, haceran, los banderos de san juan!"

"Baby eyes, and baby nose. Baby feet, and baby toes, you are my baby, baby baby."

 They never get old. And never will. When we get to heaven and make our own worlds, lets build our houses on neighboring planets where we can sing, dance the cha cha like you always did, PR our crossfit workouts and conquer the world. 

I have never been more proud of you than I am now. I love you. So, so much. 

So here's my ode; to the most beautiful woman I have ever known, the woman who has saved my life in every way possible; here's to you. 

Happy Mother's Day, Mama.  

RCF

 This is what it's all about. This is home.One day, I'll be as cool as them.
 Check it out, you won't regret it.

 Rainier Crossfit

I'd rather love just a little too much

Guess what guys?
Something happened. Something pretty great and not so great mixed into one of those big, life learning lessons that we get once in a while (or in my case, more often than once a while).
In order to guess, you have to read the previous post to know who I am referring to.
Because I dated S.
Yep. I did. I fought for S. I told S "hey, you're cute and pretty great. Let's make this happen".
Well, not exactly in those words, OBVZZ, but similar enough. And guess what? S said yes. To me.
This gorgeous, blonde, blue eyed hunk said yes. He ended it with his previous girl and decided to give me a try. I can't tell you how psyched I was. I mean, I had butterflies, weak ankles-all the goods. Basically this is how it went down:
Me and my roommate played soccer with S and his roomies.
S flirts with me tons. I love it. But then I remember:
S has a woman. This is not right.
So I straight up say " Hey S. Cut it out. You're messing with my feelings".
S heeded the warning. We all go back to his apartment and laugh, make smoothies, and watch Community. WIN.
Time for me and roomie to go. So S walks me out to his car to get some athletic tape for my Lacrosse stick.
We have a conversation. I tell him I like him a lot. He says he does to. But he thinks he should take it slow. Because S normally goes fast. I agree. We hug. And I walk home a little taller that night.
For the next couple weeks, we date. We hug, we hold hands, we laugh, we flirt. S is sweet. S is darling.
S is mine.
We exchange cute little forehead/cheek kisses. I can't help but smile. Even in my sleep. All is well. We are taking it slow. He is patient, understanding. He's mine.
Then, the storm hits. One day, when I hadn't heard from him all day, I wondered why. S comes over. We talk. Deep talks are fun. Deep talks are great. S asks me what I look for, and what I feel like when I like someone.
"Well S," I say. "My heart thumps. I smile. I get butterflies. I get crazy. I get happy. I like them a lot."
S says he's never felt that. EVER. And it shocks me. I secretly hope I do that for him. But then he tells me he doesn't really feel that with me.
SLAP.
I try not to worry. But S says he doesn't know if he likes me, or the thought of me.
Where have I heard this before? Oh yeah, from ME. Karma is a beez.
So we go home with worried hearts. At least mine is.
The next morning, I look at my phone. There's no "good morning beautiful". I walk around and see all the couples, laced fingers and sweet kisses. My hands feel empty, my forehead is cold. Where's my S?
Finally, I hear from S. S still doesn't know if he likes me. I ask him if he wants to be with me, kiss me, find me attractive, like spending time with me. Because if he does, I think he likes me. He says he does.
S comes over. We talk on my couch like we always do. But something seems off. S likes me. But he doesn't know if he is capable of being crazy about anyone. His heart is numb.
So is mine. Because, I really like S. I always have, since I  met him. I want S. But it's clear: S doesn't want want me as much as I want him.
Once we come to that realization, the pain sinks in. The silence rings in my ears. It's over. S doesn't want me. All the pain from previous relationships explodes into one, big, nuclear bomb.
Where had I gone wrong? I always thought of myself as a decent person. Someone who was likable.
But not to S. He says I did nothing wrong. But that's what they all have said. And with a sorry, my tears, and a hug goodbye, S is gone.

I pondered about this for some time. What have I done? Why do they always end it with me? What am I doing wrong? I am not perfect. But I know that if I had done something to deserve being the dumpee every time, I would catch it by now. I cried enough tears over my situation. Not just with S, but with every J, T, SM, and now S that has come and gone through my life. What have I done? J didn't like my religion. T said he wanted to concentrate on other things, only to get another girl soon after. SM woke up one day and didn't want me. In fact, he didn't want anyone. He got all anti-love. And S...well, S isn't "capable", or "worthy" of these feelings, as he puts them.
So where did I go wrong?
What is wrong with me?
I thought about this a lot. And I've come to this conclusion:
nothing.
I gave these boys love. I let them know I cared. I fought for them. And in the end, It didn't matter. Although I walked away with more scars than they ever could feel, I needed the experience. Heavenly Father has a bigger plan for me. I don't know what it is, nor do I claim to understand it. But I know he knows my heart. He knows how pure and sincere my love is. I am so ready to love. I'm done of just loving; it's my turn to be loved.
I know that everything will be ok. Although these boys probably never gave or give a damn about me, I know that I did give a damn about them. I always will. But they didn't deserve my love.
One day, a man-not a boy, but a true gentleman- will come into my life and sweep me off my feet. He'll randomly stop me and pull me close to him to dance with him. He will tell me that I am beautiful when I don't expect it. He'll be the first to text me and say "Wow, Natalie. I had such a great time. You're the best." He'll be the one who makes the plans. He'll watch the stars with me. He'll appreciate my love for batman. He'll toss me around when we kiss because he's crazy about me.
He's gonna love me.
Not less than the amount I love him. But just as much.
So S...I'm sorry it didn't work out. You got some stuff to work on. You set the bar pretty high. But you know what? I deserve better. I wish you the best.

So life lesson learned here? Don't settle for less, ladies. He will come. And when he does, you will know.
But until then, Imma jam to Beyonce's "Single Ladies" and enjoy every moment until he comes. They always come when you least expect it. And I can't wait.

 "It's wonderful to fall, let's love and risk it all, I'd rather love just a little too much".

 

Preach it, Miss Bedingfield. 

Sick

Guys. I'm lovesick. Like, REALLY lovesick. I don't know what's going on. Sure, I've always been a hopeless romantic. But lately, it's hit me. HARD. To the point where I literally glare at couples. Jealousy? Absolutely. I've never been this concerned about it until now, and it's honestly all about my "love" situation (or the nonexistent one, to be politically correct). Lets talk about Boy S, C, and CJ.

Situation one: Boy S. I met Boy S here at school. I wasn't looking for anyone in particular. But then BAM! This hottie shows up and I just thought "Ohhh boy, am I in trouble." I mean C'mon ladies. Blue eyes? Wrestler? Daaaaayyum. He makes me laugh. Gets my sense of humor. Could talk forever with me. Acted like he wanted to be with me. Took control...I was a little smitten. We go on a date, and all is well. But then I get scared. I hadn't been with anyone for 3 years. And none of them have gone that well. We all get stupid when we get scared. So I kinda tried to steer clear of him for a week, trying to pull my thoughts together. Poor guy; always wanted to hang, but I tried to keep busy so I didn't have to make up an excuse. Well, I decided to talk to him face to face, and tell him what's on my mind. Boy S comes over, sits on my couch looking cute as ever. I tell him I'm not sure if I'm feeling it, and he responds with a casual ok, no problem. I was shocked at his coolness. He then tells me that he's not planning on waiting around, which I understood. But if I change my mind, then to let him know and he'll come at me full force. What happens when Boy S leaves? I WANT HIM.

 WTF.

So I decide to think about it and not jump into things. The next day, we have a church activity where we go four-wheeling. Boy S and me ride on one together. My arms were wrapped tightly around him, and I could almost feel how much chemistry and feelings were there. I knew there was something there, even after all my poppy cock talk. After one week of not being able to get him off my mind, I decide to go for it. I tell him that I want to give it a shot, and that I'd like to get to know him better. But guess what. Boy S has already got another girl. One who's blonde, beautiful and already been kissed by him. All within a week. It's been about a month since they've been together. Maybe less, maybe more. But I see those baby blue eyes and Tay Swift's "Teardrops on my Guitar" runs through my head. Have I made the biggest mistake ever? I don't know. But it could have been good, guys. Really good. Darn those blondes. They always win.

Situation two: Boy C. Boy C came after Boy S. He was a savior to my "mini" heartbreak, and was someone I didn't expect at all to like as much as I did. My friend, technically "ex-boyfriend" as well, texts me out of nowhere and asks me to sit with him at a school activity because he has a friend he wants to set me up with. I never got to meet him, because I skipped the activity (naps almost always win). But I wasn't up to it; when a guy doesn't want you back, it can take a toll on your ego. I was sick of all these "pity" dates that I had been going on, and I didn't want to go on another. But then T (my friend) told me who it was, and I remembered; I had met him previously during the beginning of the semester, and thought he was cute, but thought nothing of it, because I was not interested in him at the time. I went home and did what I do best- facebook creep. And boy, for good reason. Boy C was BOMB. Tall, muscular, brown hair, great smile-he was perfect. So T had us all hang out, which resulted with a nonstop-laughing car ride home with Boy C, asking me out on a date. CA-CHING. I was on cloud nine. So our date comes along, and what is the first thing Boy C says to me? "You look very pretty!". I then and there wanted to kiss the guy. No guy had ever commented on how pretty I looked on a date. And trust me guys, we appreciate it. We go on the date. Boy C is chivalrous, funny, sweet, and awkwardly adorable. We laughed every minute, he could dish it AND take it, and he made me giddy. When it was time to say goodnight, Boy C asks me on another date. I nearly jumped outta my skin when I said "Yes!" a little too happily. I could hardly wait until date 2! 

One thing I had to understand was that Boy C was not a texter. He barely texted, which was something I was not used to, but didn't mind. I just wanted to see him more. So when date two rolls around, he tells me that he has a friend coming into town, and if we could do the date earlier. I agreed without hesitation; I was just too excited. We laughed and joked just like date one. One thing I noticed was that Boy C can't take a hint. I tell him he's cute, he says "I know" in a jokingly cocky way (*insert eyebrow raise here*). I tell him of all the things outdoorsy that I'd like to do (he does ALL of them). What does he say? "You should do it, it's fun!". Well no duh...I want to do it with you! But he doesn't get it. So when were about to head home, he brings up a future plan concerning me and him. So I get blunt. I ask him if that means he wants to go out again, because he hasn't asked me. He looks at me awkwardly and says he thought he already did. (Uh, no?). So he drops me off home, hugs me, and drives off. And that was that. I didn't get any "I had fun!" text like he did the first date. No reassurance. Nothing. I decide to not read into too much and ask him to hang a couple days later. Boy is busy. So I say next time. 

There is no next time.

Boy never texts. Never calls. Nada. It's clear; Boy C isn't interested. And I still don;t know why....I thought we had hit it off. But no, all I ever see from him is facebook pictures of him looking as handsome as ever in fishing gear with a million girls liking the photo and him soaking it all in like a happy camper. What did I do?

Sigh.

Situation three: Boy CJ. Ohhh, Boy CJ. He's a special one. Because this boy is a childhood friend. He's someone I've known for the majority of my life, and have loved for years. But we never had the timing right. I hated him. He hated me. I liked him. He didn't like me. He liked me, and I didn't like him. We liked eachother, but he never admitted it until he didn't anymore. I love him, but he don't love me. He loves me, but I don't love him. I love him, and he gets angry. You following? It was always a complicated one. A relationship based off friendship, and grew from day one. But Boy CJ is gone, and won't be home for another 3 months. You see, he's been on a mission for our church. And he loves every minute of it. I love Boy CJ. But as some would understand, it get's lonely. I was secretly waiting for him, even after he asked me to, and then asked me not to. I just couldn't see myself with anyone else but him. He has qualities I didn't know I wanted that I now do; He's gorgeous, goofy and funny, headstrong, sweet. Is he romantic? I don't know. Would he think I was beautiful if I had no makeup on? I'm not sure (he's seen me without it). Would he randomly tell me he loves me as I would, just because? Who knows. Is it worth it to find out? I've been waiting for 21 months. In the past 21 months, I didn't kiss anyone, or go out with anyone but my choice. When I got to school, I decided that I'd take his advice and date people to see what qualities I like and didn't like. That's where Boy S and C came in. But if Boy CJ came back and asked me to marry him right now, I'd say yes without missing a beat. So with that said, I wrote to Boy CJ. I told Boy CJ I loved him. And I wanted to be with him when he came back. He wrote back, saying he couldn't reciprocate those feelings yet. And although he was heartfelt and sincere when he said he'd want to take me on a date like he said in the past, it still kind of stung. Only because I'm used to putting myself out there so much and so hard, to no avail. 

I've never dumped anyone. Ever. I've had 3 boyfriends, and have said "I love you" 4 times. You may judge and think I'm crazy. But before you do, realize this: there is no set standard for love in the world. What you consider and I consider to be love are very different. And the way I see it, my heart is so full. I am so ready to love someone with all my entire being, to give them everything. To show them my heart. But no one has ever given me the chance. Yes, I'm young. I'm only 21. But I've never gotten anything but rejection. I've never made it to 4 months in a relationship. I like to think I'm a pretty laid back girl who just....loves. But my patience is running thin, and my understanding of all this is a struggle. Boy S? I miss him. Boy C? I wish he would have given me a chance. And Boy CJ? I wish he loved me. Yes, my emotions are all over the place, and you may call that immature. But I am so ready to love and be loved. I could give them so much. 

Maybe, one day, I'll find someone who will finally feel the same amount of like/love for me as I do for them. Maybe one day, I'll find someone who will just tell me they love me just because. Someone who will make me stop what I'm doing for just a minute to dance with me. 

Someone who loves me.

Someday....One day.

Thanks for letting me vent, darlings. I wish you all the best of love.

Thursday Thoughts

Happy Thursday :]

Late night inspirations.

Guys, I have a problem. I'm a night owl. It's not good. Every night, I write in my planner  "GO TO BED EARLY!" thinking that well, if it's written in pen, then it MUST come true!

It's not true. fail fail fail.

GahhhkjhskjfdhJDHJKSA. But I'll admit it, I like staying up late sometimes. Because as my roommates snore the night away (srsly, you HAVE to hear this girl....video coming soon.), I like to think. Reflect. Breathe. Sometimes, they're happy thoughts, full of gratitude and love. But sometimes, they're regretful. Negative. Just...wrong.

But, we're human. We make mistakes. We learn. And we live. 

So tonight, the magic word on my mind is goals.

Everyone has them. EVERYONE. Every person you have ever seen in your entire life has a goal. If they deny it, they lie, and you should probably throw some sort of water on them for the FIRE ALL OVER THEIR PANTS.

The best thing about New Year's Eve, BESIDES having a lover to share that special slobber and saliva exchange with (I'm jk, kissing is awesome haaa) is the brand new, fresh start everyone gets. It's a wonderful thing to start new. But then, being human comes in, and the inevitable truth is this:  

we are not perfect.

 For the year 2012, the #1 New Year's resolution to Lost weight. Surprise, surprise. 

Only 8% of Americans actually reach their goals. 

Guys...Only 8%. 8!!!! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

 I'll admit, I hardly, maybe NEVER was in that 8%. But whats holding us back?

Fitness is not magic. Weight loss is not immediate. And goals? They take time.

When I was a kid, I basically quit ever sport I played. Why? Well for one thing, I did not progress skill wise much. 

BECAUSE I DIDN'T PRACTICE. DuR DUR durDURDURUDUR.

Goals are what drives us to be better people. Goals are so important, because it gives us something to look forward to. 

Has anyone every talked down a goal of yours? Don't ever listen to them. Ever. Because if they have, chances are they only do it because they don't think they could do it themselves. My personal trainer told me that, and honestly guys, that statement changed my life. 

Don't ever give up. Anything is possible. I am fortunate enough to have a mother who always, ALWAYS told me to never give up. Anything I wanted to accomplish was achievable. 

That six pack I've always wanted? I'm gonna get it

That Pull-up? Most definitely.

That Man pushup? That Handstand pushup? Yes.

To reach my fitness goals? Absolutely. 

Why? Because I CAN, and I WILL. That's why. If it wasn't possible, then no one would be able to do it. But I've seen it. And I want it. And hell, I am going to get it.

Pick a goal, and work on it. Baby steps, take your time, but don't stop. Because slow and steady wins the race. Don't sprint into a goal; it's a delicate thing. It takes planning, dedication, and courage. 

Guys, don't be the 8%. I beg of you. I am doing this with you. Because I will NEVER give up on my dream to reach my fitness goals. I have never reached them, all my life I've wanted them, and I am gonna get them.

My background is Crossfit. On their blog, they had the following words:

A collection of words from past CrossFit Lisbeth posts:

You can beat me. But not defeat me.

So, it’s time to stop playing “Little Suzie was a good girl and gets a treat” and start playing “Little Suzie wants 20 f***ing pull-ups.”

Adjust your own attitude. Weave your own hope. Life will get better when you get better.

Do what tightens your throat and drops your heart into your stomach: it’s the only way to find out what you’ve really got.

Throw yourself right on the damn line again, pain and scars and all.

Because once you truly experience the power of the barbell, you can’t ever go back.

CrossFit is a drug, like they say. If I was cut off from it, I really don’t know what I would do. At this point, I am willing to throw rocks through car windows and steal spare change in order to feed my habit. I am an addict. Ragged calluses are my track marks.

What are you afraid of? Just admit it . . . and free yourself. No one gives your fears any power but you.

For an hour a day, you get to take all of society’s polite expectations and old baggage and haunts of years gone by and throw that sh** in the corner.

So, yell at your barbell if you need to. Glare at it, scowl at it, get good and mad at it. Drop it, manhandle it, call it bad names.

Be brave. Choose better. And change. Even if your life is seriously f***ed, you will have to save yourself.

You already know in your heart what you are and who you are. What you might not know is what you could truly become.

Let's do this guys. Lets love our bodies. Let's treat it right. 

Exhale the can't and inhale the can.

Set some effin goals.  

Now let's see if I can get a good night's sleep....