It's gonna be alright.


It just...is.


:)

Still Falling

Tonight I feel peace. Peace that all will be well. In every single aspect in my life.

I've really struggled more than normal these past couple weeks. Satan just really sucks. But OBVZZZ. Lawlz.

But in seriousness, I had the opportunity to enter the temple my third time in my life yesterday. I went in frustrated. Upset. Angry at everyone at everything. It's not recommended that you enter the temple under such terms at all, but I knew that I needed to go. I could feel how closed my mind was to everything. To every spiritual beam that was trying to pierce into my very being, but I wouldn't let it. I was so sad. So hopeless. I felt like How dare he (he being God) leave me all alone to deal with this, with no tools for my mind to fight this. Because it is my mind. My mind that has controlled for so long. I was, and still am, just tired. 

So tired. 

Too tired to fight back the battles life has faced me with that purposely enter to make me stronger; but here I was, succumbing.

My mother, bless her heart- told me that I had to help her out. I had to help myself. I had to fight this. To the death, she said.

I wonder sometimes why we hang on to the negative. I know there are positive people in life, guaranteed millions of them exist. But I honestly think that the negativity in our minds triumphs over the positive for most of us. What is it about sadness that is so...

alluring?

I realized a long time ago that I'm afraid to let the sadness go. I feel that's its all I have. I don't have many friends. I'm behind in school, and wasn't doing too great. I had no idea where to go in life, who was to come in it. I can point out so many negative things-but that just proves my point;

Why?

So I'm going to make more of an effort to help myself. To literally lift these exhausted muscles and move. Keep moving. Allow my brain to absorb more sunlight than darkness. Because I can't...I can't live like this anymore. You can't help those who don't want to be helped.

Well, I want to be helped. Truly helped.
I need to remember my goals but also remember there are other aspects of life to concentrate on. I can do this. Today I went to CrossFit and did a really, really hard Hero WOD. It was hard! And I did it! I felt good all day today until It was time to dress in real clothes (NOT exercise clothes) and go to my younger brother's Football game. I struggled. This shirt made my arms thick, this didn't hide my rolls, this one squeezed my hips, so on so forth. Dressing up has always been a struggle for me, because when it comes to my appearance, I've never really ever, truly loved the human being looking back at me from the mirror. 

But I will. One day, sooner than later, and it's coming. I can't wait.

There is something so poetic about struggles. There's virtue in shared difficulties. I think that's one of the greatest aspects of humanity. Even though we feel alone, we never are really alone in this world (all religion aside). Because we ALL struggle. Not one is the same in degree or likeness...I love it.
I find sadness at times, poetic. Besides the Mumford and Sons' ways with their words of heartbreak, theres beauty in trials. I may not necessarily see mine at the moment, because I'm still fresh from the lecture that actually helped this weekend from my mother, but I'm trying. I trying to understand how there's beauty in such pain all at the same time.

I know my thoughts are all over the place. It's ok thought because this is for me, not really anyone else.

I really think that I will be ok. That I'll be able to breathe easy one day and not hyperventilate at my reflection. I will reach my goals. No one can say otherwise; it's not in my nature to do so. But I will do so in balance.

I hope to see things in a more positive light. I look forward to the day I can smile and really, deeply, truly and sincerely mean it. To wake up to sunrises even on the dreary days.

Sometimes I don't know where my Heavenly Father is. Well, I think it's about time I went to go find him, don't you?

I'm still falling...but not for long.

Untitled.

So this blog is basically my diary. I write more in this than my actual, leather-bound, red journal sittingg at home, pages waved by the endless amounts of crushes, love stories, and teenage temper tantrums of my youth.

It's kinda sad, really. To think that I've taken more to the technological advancements of writing than good old fashioned, pen and paper sort of style. I actually prefer the second; I just don't feel it. And you gotta feel it in order for the magic to happen.


I've shared bits and pieces of my life story-of some struggles I've had. But I never really touched on the now. I feel like I personally want to write, or technically...type my frustrations out. It's not necessarily for attention or even to vent; it's a combination of both. I write this hoping that people who struggle with the same issues will find me so that maybe we can all help each other. I'd like to know that I'm not alone, to know that there are other similar yet entirely different struggles that each bring a different shed of light to the table.

I've struggled with body image since I was a little girl.

I can't exactly pinpoint the exact moment when I started combining hatred with my body and sight. I went to a counselor for some time who helped me unearth the deepest parts of my memories, and the reasoning behind the dark thoughts of my past. There was an event that led me to come home and look at my body differently than I ever had before. I can't remember exactly what happened, all I know is that I was teased.
Ever since moving from Hawaii to Washington, I literally hated school. I was never popular, nor necessarily the "geek", but I wasn't cool. I was never picked last for kickball, but I wasn't first. I wasn't noticed by boys, but I was noticed enough to let them thrive off my insecurities. I reeked of them. I was timid, shy, and didn't have comebacks. Don't get me wrong, I had friends to eat with at lunch and people to say hi and smile to while passing the halls, but it was all superficial.

Anyone ever remember the scene in Mean Girls where Lindsay Lohan's character eats lunch in the bathroom stall? I've done that once in high school. I just didn't have any friends. Nor did I have the confidence and self esteem to really, truly try. 

I finally confronted my issues of self loathing the summer after my freshman year at BYU-Hawaii. I had come home 20lbs heavier. In high school I weighed 150. I hated it then, but how I wish I could be there now...
I visited counselors and was put on depression pills. I remember the day I was diagnosed as depressed-I felt like I should've been thrown into an insane asylum. Because that's exactly what I had thought it was-crazy, uncontrollable anger, sadness, and just pure lunacy. But it's not like that at all. I quickly learned that more people were depressed and on medication than I realized.

Life is hard. And for those who lack religion, faith, or something of a higher power to hold on to, hope can be hard to come by. Why am I alive? Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? Where am I going?

Thankfully, I had the knowledge of the gospel. I knew Heavenly Father loved me, had and has a plan for me. It's still a tough thought to convince myself of, but the knowledge and testimony is there.
I have certain goals I want to reach in this life. Particularly, pertaining to fitness. Going through this journey has shown me who my true friends are, who the naysayers will be and who will have my back. I remember that after telling people how all I wanted was to be lean, to have tonage, a six pack, ripped delts, basically just MUSCLES- they quickly roll their eyes and laugh. "Why?" , their ridiculed voices would say. Sarcasm dripping from their tone, so quick to tear down my dream. I want to be the best version I can be. To be able to help people reach their own goals. I truly believe that when you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, you do good. And when you do good, everyone else wonders, catches on, and the entire process is repeated in a never ending cycle of kindness, self discovery and confidence, which adheres to happiness.

I don't want to be good, ok, or even reach 75% of my potential. Why not go all the way? I see people who look at themselves in the mirror, are not necessarily thrilled but satisfied. "It's ok to not go for that promotion. I'm fine where I am." "It's ok that I have love handles and a chubby waist. I'll never be able to wear a bikini, but that's just how I am." "It's ok to settle for my degree. I'll never have the time to get a higher one anyways."

WHY. Why must people settle? Why do we find ourselves accepting the mediocre? Why don't we go for the GREAT?

Fitness and weight loss/health is a touchy subject, because for one: people don't like being told the truth and two: to hear that it's possible to reach these goals is just preposterous, right? I mean, no one actually thinks that getting toned and slim is attainable? It's only for those _____ people.

My goals have been laughed at, mocked, and torn down by those who don't think I can do it. Why?

I had a trainer, my first trainer ever and the first woman besides my mother who believed in me tell me something I'll never forget. When I told her about the endless naysayers to my self-improvement cause, she told me "The only reason why anyone tells you that it's impossible is because they don't believe that they can do it themselves."

THAT'S why.

 So I'm on a journey to accomplish my life's biggest trial and reach a goal that I know if I can reach, I'll be able to do anything.
Anything. 

 Fast forwarding to now- man it's tough. I eat clean, do cardio a minimum of 3x a week, isolated strength training twice a week and crossfit three. I've been at this for months, and nothing has budged. Literally. I've seen my measurements, and done my bod pod. I've weighed myself (although I don't like scales, nor do I trust them) and nothing. I dont understand....if anything, I'm getting a little bigger. My clothes are tighter. Something just isn't right. I'll be off my medication in about a month, we've been weaning me off because for one, I've gotten emotionally better....it's time for me to turn around and face the music. And two, the pills we believe made me gain weight. Well, I'm literally at the last set of dosage. You would think with decreasing, my body fat would decrease.

I went to my natureopath last week and shes checking my hormones. Thyroid, cortisol...all the goods.

Something is just not right. The puzzle isn't completed. No matter what I do, it's not working....what else can I do? I have no idea where else to go, who else to see...my mom says to only concentrate on the things I can control. She's absolutely right; it's just hard.

I'm really trying. But man, this. Is. HARD. Lately it's been really getting to me...because it's been years of hard work and no results. Literally, nothing.

Just focus on the positive without giving up at the same time.


Wish me luck. 'til better days. 

 

Listen.

It is a true tragedy when the individual who always lends a willing ear, won't be heard.

All my life, I struggled to make friends. It was a hard move, from Hawaii to Washington. A true culture shock- and that included a shock of company. Friends were hard to make. And the rest is history.
I remember hearing that a good friend is one who listens, takes interest in others...someone is isn't just sitting there, but is truly present. So I did what I thought was best; and that was to listen. 

It worked. People gravitated towards me, unwinding from their tightly knitted lives and unburdening their thoughts, expressing their ideas which would in other company, cause controversy, on me. And I was grateful to be of some help, even if it meant not responding. But there were times when I wanted to set my burdens down. I wanted someone to hold my weight just for a moment, maybe stroke my head and tell me that all would be well, and give me the comfort I yearned for.

But no one listened.

If I began to talk about myself for a second, the immediate disinterested party member emerged, and my search for comfort was stopped abruptly. I feared the ever coming rejection that I had already sampled. No one responded to me, but instead all I got was a ," Oh, that's a bummer. *text text text* Oh my gosh, you know what ______ did?" Only to continue to veer away from me.

So I adapted. And just listened.


Well the time has come for me to let go of my past. To loosen the grip on my anger towards the people who had the uncanny ability to make me feel insignificant. Small. Unimportant. And like a downright loser.
It has come to my attention that I have been holding onto these feelings for far too long. I give them much more credit than they deserve, and it's time for me to be strong, turn around, and face the music. To allow myself the freedom to be confident, and to not let anyone determine my happiness. Because of them, I've allowed myself to hold back on opportunities where I otherwise felt unworthy of, and frankly, just not good enough.

So as I embark on this journey of following Eleanor Roosevelt's infamous piece of advice, I realize that people will still be ignorant of others, but in this case, of how I feel. But I need to push past it.

I just finished talking to a childhood friend of mine who has moved away after our senior year of high school. We chatted about his family, romances, work, and social life. But when the time came that I finally braved up and started to talk about me, the typical, unsurprising reaction from most ensued:

"That's a bummer. It's getting late, I have to go."

I hung up discouraged. I'm on this new path of enlightened confidence, and they're already hitting me.
As hard as it was to swallow, I just let go. And part of that process includes this rant.

It still sucks. But when is anyone ever going to listen?

Will anyone ever care?

I guess I'll just stick to trees and leaves. Oh, and sunshine. At least they listen.

How grateful I am for a Heavenly Father who listens. Truly listens. Even though I can't see him face to face, I can feel that he is there. He loves me. He cares for me. And he truly listens. I couldn't have asked for a better creator, or a better heavenly father.

Happy Father's Day to all the men in my life. I love you.

Thursday Thoughts

 

And last, but not least....HIM. 

Damn. That is one BEAUTIFUL man. I love you Jake Abel.

Happy Birthday, CJ

Today is CJ's birthday. 

If you guys actually have read this thing, then you know exactly who I'm talking about.
CJ was my last love. The childhood friend who I always loved and never got the timing right with. So while he was on a mission, I decided to prove to him just how much I cared by constantly writing him, sending packages-the whole "actions speak louder than words". At first it went great. He seemed very much into the idea of him and me, but in a manner that made it clear he was concentrating on the mission. I fell SO in love. I was going to marry this boy. Our love story was so unique, so perfect. I just knew.

Then he came home.

 Night and Day, I tell ya. He seemed to avoid me at all costs. And when we did finally meet up, it was clear that he was no longer mine. And I began to wonder if he was even mine to claim. So the time came to buck up, be a man, and tell him I didn't want anything out of this friendship romantically.

You should have seen the relief on his face-it was almost embarrassing.
Since then many tears have been shed, wondering the big question of WHY? Why didn't it work out? It seemed like a fairytale romance constructed purely out of God's majestic hands. And yet, as I would stare out at the stars, I sensed that they knew. They knew that this time was coming. A time foretold by lovesick individuals all over the world, that every human being must face at least once in their lifetime; heartbreak.
I thought I had it this time. I thought he was my forever love, when in actuality he was never really mine to claim. CJ and I had never been on any official dates. He had talked about taking me on so many fun ones when he came home. But those dates never came. And will never come. And you know what?

That's ok.

I've grown so much from this experience. I know now he never will be the one for me. That God has a much greater plan in store for me. And that plan includes a guy who will actually LOVE me, maybe more if not as much as I love him, If I'm lucky! I just know there's someone out there who dreams of love and sharing that gift as much as I do. If it had worked out with CJ, I wouldn't have put in my papers to go on a mission. I am SO excited. I just spoke to my bishop the other day, and he said he plans on turning them in May 15th. Why so late I'll never know, but I'm trying hard to look at the positive things in my life. It's closer than I realize.
I know with CJ it would've been difficult to try to explain to him what is going on with my health. I sent him a letter once explaining what was going on with me, and he wrote back saying he understood and had no idea. But it was made known to me that he actually didn't understand and was a little put off by it. So how great is it that while all this is happening to me, I'm able to take care of it and nip it in the butt? I definitely see this as a blessing. I want to be the best possible version of me, and this health trial came at the most perfect time in my life. At my most vulnerable self, only to build me up stronger. Because that's what trials do-make you stronger. :)

How grateful I am for my life and all the mishaps and the beautiful moments that make each day more worth it than the last. I love life!

CJ will text me once a blue moon, or call me on my birthday (he did that weeks ago and I was SO thrown off, I didn't know how to react), and it takes me to a whole different mental setting. My heart pounds hard when I see his name on my phone, or that he liked a photo/status on fb (cheesy, I know.) But I can't wait for the day when that will only be a memory, nothing more.

The future is bright, lads and gals. So bright.

Speaking of brightness, this is the song best describing this post's mood. Enjoy:)


For CJ. Because if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far.

Late Night Musings

First and foremost, my prayers are with Boston. I know that in times like these, when the world seems to have fallen into a darken state, a wonderful thing happens; love. I am astounded at how many people were shocked to see helping hands bandage the cuts, push the wheel chairs, and mourn for those that wept. Hope is not lost. In fact, it has just begun. 


I want to paint. Real bad. Seriously. Like, REAL bad. I want to grab water colors and go all Pocahontas on a white sheet of paper and get all sunset-y and crap. Is that too much to ask for? Oh wait. There's the creativity part...bah.


I'm nervous for tomorrow. I meet with my "trainer". The reason that word is in parenthesis is because she doesn't train movements with me. That's what Crossfit is for :) She merely measures body fat percentage, goes over my food journal and creates eating plans for me. If I hadn't been weak, nauseous, dizzy and a little unmotivated by it all, then there would be no reason to be nervous. But I am. And its scurrrrry.


The episode where Wallace and Gromit visit the moon because they run out of cheese? Well, it looks delicious.
That clay cheese, that is. Nom nom nom.

I just want to go on my mission already. I mean, I'm already getting pretty ahead of myself in the fashion preparation department. Thrifted skirts galore!


Rebel Wilson is not that funny to me. I mean, I love her in Pitch Perfect. But LEZBIHONEST; does she really think she can crack fat jokes forever? There's something about an overweight comedian basing jokes off their weight that I find sad. Just downright cringe worthy. Their insecurities? Shines all bright like a diamond.
Yes, I did make a Rihanna refrence. *GAG*But I couldn't help it.


I want a baby. A blonde baby, to be exact. I want those baby blues, that porcelain skin, and that summer gold coming out of this womb of mine baby. I blame my niece; shes a babe.

SEE!?!?! Ahhh. Be still my heart. 

So I was creeping on a specific blog today, and this girl began to talk about her husband and their love story. She wrote about how he would send her movie music lyrics, excerpts from books, postcards and love letters while she was on the mission. It got me thinking; is there really someone out there who thinks like me? Who sees the stars and wonders at the vast glory our Father in Heaven has surrounded us with? Who looks at a sunset and sigh with love for the colors? Walk alone in the woods and think of all the romantic settings that could possibly take place there? Read Thoreau and immediately have a desire to frolic amongst dandelions?

To hear a love song and think about just that; love, and all the beauty it entails.

Haha, I know, I'm a crazy romantic. Its true. But there's something about all the little, dainty things in life that have the biggest impact on me. A single flower among weeds, the way the ocean hits the sand, a simple kiss on the forehead.

*Siiiiiiigh*

I wonder if I'll ever find the right one. I think that may be one of the biggest fears I have - not necessarily wondering if I'll find someone. Because there's someone out there for everyone. But it I'll find the right one. The one who will dance with me in the kitchen. Who will enjoy when I surprise him at work with lunch. Who will take adventures with me. Take my hand and kiss it. Whisper sweet nothings in my ear at the most unexpected, maybe "inappropriate" times...hehehe.


I'm excited for the future. For once, not chasing a boy. Haha, I have a history of those. After all, my first kiss was forced (I made him kiss me-meaning I grabbed his face and chased him around demanding he liked me).


oh, and I LOVE BATMAN.


Welp. Bedtime it is! Time for the nightly animal video, shall we? Enjoy :) Sweet dreams and happy thoughts!

                                                             Wiggle wiggle wiggle, Bella!